3.10.06

freak out time.  feeling like a frayed rope.  work at the shop is killing me.  too preoccupied with films plans and summer season planning to focus on work and it has siply become an obstacle between me and the things i WANT to accomplish in the next month before i fly out.  so many things i want to contribute to the scene while i am here and now cause i know i will never be again, but it is just so many i can't function.  not financially where i would LIKE to be but my sanity is priceless and working at the shop with the commute and the crew is just driving me bonkers, trying to remember and fit in all the things i need to do, wish to do, plus training, shredding, and chilling.  the breakdown at the premiere showed me i am too caught up, when the preview glitched it just spoiled my whole night, almost my whole week, just piling too much pressure on myself to deliver perfection.  get really down on myself and start seeking self punishment when anyoversight slips in, so you can imagine how i felt after realizing i had lost all the goods at the brew pub and almost melted my hero's kitchen!  feel like an ass, feel like i have so much to pay back it is distracting me from the goals at hand, to be the best person i can be and live well.  as old friends dissappoint and deceive, new friends amaze and lift me up, a trying transition.  need to snap out of the seen and not heard roll, the speak when spoken too cause this constant comelyness is also holding me back and stewing me up.  but existing without my own space leaves little room to express.  things will get better, just gotta  find more time, probably means quiting work.

3.10.06

premiere night went off with a bang.  filled six rivers to capacity and raged it.  i was bumming cause my hot new preview reel glitched out half way through the tease for tour of the unknown coast.  still haven't quite gotten over it, was heart breaking to see two days of solid labor go down the tubes.  not entirely but i think you can understand looking forward to sharing something as much as i did this and then have it flop in front of all your peers, was pretty pissed with myself.  eventually got schwilley enough to forget it and have a good time.  pitchers later me and happy were the last ones there, knocking over bar stools and moshing by ourselves to two pretty lame bands.  then we barely got the p.a. loaded and outta there only to forget all the dvds and schwag, my camera with all the hot photos of the show, and a gift of chocolate covered strawberries.  then happy almost fried the p.a. trying to stumble it back together at home and i almost set the house on fire, passing out with shit on the stove.  was ridiculous.  hurt all day today, praying that goodwill or good fortune returns the dvds to us, and glad that this is over so i can chill and get a little more reclused.  i am lucky to have so many friends and acquantences, would have enjoyed it better had i not failed, but it is taxing being layed out before so many people so to speak.  my hand still isn't all better from the last pirate ride and it is damn sore after all the hand shaking and fist pounding, but that's life.  feeling pretty good though, so goodnight.

3.5.06

THE move, the largest and first step toward the BIG move, is behind me.  thouroughly exhausted form the all the mental and physical output plus the sudden necessitated commutes to work.  loving every minute of it though, even if my tired eyes look puffy, distant and vacant at times.  thats all tonight, be settles into a more expounsive routine soon.

2.23.06

i think i have drawn this analogy before but i am going to draw it again, and this time to the effect of following my own advice.  the pirate keys have become an incredible load, muc as the ring of power which was to rule middle earth bore upon young frodo as he struggled to bear his burden.  what was meant to bind the outlying camps and rule them with benevolence has twisted and deformed that which i loved.  the truth of power corrupting is more infalible then the sun rising and setting each day.  as the monster gew i have seen it grab and twist too many around me, myself included.  i have been caught up in the power, the possibilities, and the potential.  forgetting the central focus and passion which began my journey with the ring.  just as frodo failed as the last to cast the ring into destruction i have sherked the simple task of simplifying that which has become so distorted.  "give it all up to get it all"  is what a good friend has told me time and time again.  it is, at the same time, the simplest and most impossible thing to do, the same reason that commusism has failed time and again, and the same reason that man will not rule man to ought but his injury.  there comes a time when the wise admit their imperfection and cast off the burden of responsibility, handing it back to the individual and allowing the natural order to take its course.  now is that time.  circumstance i so vainly hoped would dissappear under the rug have become a grostesque lump that hjas shifted my views and forced me to take actions that i had only approached in my most private thoughts.  the grandiose climax to my career as pirate captain, the one where i stand atop the podium, ruler of all, spoils in hand, and peyons at my feet has finally been revealed to me for the disgusting and prideful plan that it was.  the thought of pushing things any further in this direction, while it seemed necessary, now turn my bowles in their utmost depths.  so i have repented before my friends and my maker, asking for forgiveness, thanking for the lessons, and accepting the understanding this has brought.  my hands are now washed of the game, i cannot promote a system i no longer believe in any further.  therefore, i am sure, pirate rides will continue as they once did, spontaneous and spread out events of homegrown magic.  my mates will continue to shred with the love and desire that enfused me nearly seven years ago.  and other auspicious promotions will rise and fall as mine have.  i will continue to advertise and support all, but can only now pursue my brand of riding, which at this time will be very solitary, as the mediation and instigation has worn me to the quick.  i invite my mates to invite me to shred anytime and anywhere, and i will do the same.  pirate will continue but the ring has been bitten from my finger and dropped into the mountain of fire.  the remittent gollums that we use to guide us through the world end up playing a grand and dynamic role in the layout of events, as it is meant to be.  evil is sometimes necessary, for only when too such unwielding fronts converge can the calm prevail.  this sounds tripped out, so forgive me, but the righteous path has been revealed.  it has been before me all along but i have been to blinded by the rings power to see it, now the fog has been lifted and i am happy.  best to everyone everywhere, i return and remain your humble servant.

2.21.06

body is coming around, and so is the move.  going to be obsessed with that and my daily list of todos for the next two weeks.  therefore i simply can't afford, time or money wise, to make it out for a pirate ride this february, simply can't get away.  perhaps i take too much on and seek too much perfection but i want to upcoming video premiere to be all it can be, gotta wrap some media issues asap, gotta get healty and fitter, and absolutely gotta be out and have the apartment spotless in ten days.  wow.  enjoying it though.  my friends were trying to console me amidst the madness yesterday, i told them they had it backwards, i have not been this happy and excited since the last time i threw all my belongings into one vehicle and hit the road. gave away over half my homes furnishings this week.  the best high i have had in long long time.  people think it is crazy, give me strange looks.  valuable stereo equipment etc. etc.  but much of it was free, and most of it was cheap, so io pay it forward, free my mind of the burden and fly on higher then ever carrying a kindly yoke and a lightened load.  maybe it was the whole duffle bag youth that has me this way, but i just can't stay.  so throwing all the chickens into march, going to be crazy, and hope i can make it through.  with y'all by my side i know we will.

2.18.06

busy, busy, busy.  wish i could run, or even speed walk for  that matter.  think the body is taking care of business, just gotta bide the time.  but lke i said a lot of things on my daily checklist now and it is only going to accelerate until my house is clean and i am out on the streets.  got many things pending for the web soon, just cause you don't see it doesn't mean that we aren't hard hard at work, everyday, every hour really its on the mind.  so have more soon, i know that saying gets old, but it is what keeps me going.

2.16.06

large pauses as i struggle to keep my head out of the shadows.  been spending my locked indoor hours striving to get media to shre with you all.  many failures later i am still empty handed.  i am sorry.  vidication can only take but so long.  the more i think about the freakness of my latest hurt the more my head burns in comfusion.  think my mouth has run to much and i have gotten the lashes i deserve.  so now i pray for humility and grace to guide my through this struggle.

2.11.06

how quickly edits stack up!  jeez, looking forward to having my own cubicle this summer, the site is going to be firing!  but for now i hit it haphazardly as a one winged buzzard would circle a corpse.  for example the photo archive page where none of the ride pics from this year were archived.  jeez!  feel like a tool sometimes.  plus there is a lot of potential media from ride #4 that i want to post, plus sick shredding in e-town, but finding the time, jeez!  been crunching the candle at both ends the last few days rebuilding the gpb dvd, got he hard drive working, and re organizing hundreds and hundreds of files.  jeez!  ok enough with the blasphemous misspellings.  hope to have the first dvd transcoded by tomorrow morning, that is if i can put up with the pain in me body now that my small allotment of pills from the er are exhausted.  oh yeah that is why i signed in here, to set the record straight.  so this is how it went down, just to clear up all questions.  wednesday rolled around.  knocked out a bunch of business in town and then rode to eureka on the stp with my bullit in tow.  spread some gp2 teasers around and then showed up at happys, ready for a little lunch and a warm up before heading to the bmx track for evening practice.  well my euphoric super state was too good to last.  we began simple mods on the tracks smallest double, literally knee high to a grasshopper.  the hoped bonzai turned into a kink.  darren test rode it on my bike and we knew it sucked.  i was feeling like a general, or something, so i insisted on trying it before we altered it further (knowing full well what i would encounter).  looked at my helmet on the ground and decided it was not necessary to wear it this time.  yet as i rolled around the corner and up to the jump my gut told me i was definitely doing wrong breaking the tracks number one rule.  this doubt was the foremost distraction in my mind as i rolled off the kinked lip, seeing what might go wrong, rather then focusing on what would go right.  big mistake.  plus i was focusing on the imperfection of the lip and therefore rode straight at the roughest point on the far left of the lip, seldom my line.  as soon as my bodys inertia was committed my mind gavqe in to the unavoidable disaster.  just as it had been at stars when i was focused on how the crowd would perceive me rather then manipulating my bike, i went down hard.  the kink absorbed my speed and booted my rear end high.  i was nosed in and committed, resulting in a full on front wheel case, catapulting me head first into the following lip.  a four foot wall of packed blue groove dirt met my naked dome, and as i rolled away i knew i had made a foolish, prideful, and potentially catastrophic decision.  stars danced before my eyes, but i was quick to note no loss of conciousness or memory.  yet my neck was toast.  check the appendages, more then half expecting things to be unresponsive.  coming off such a high and riding so well it seemed that the low would be as extreme a swing.  what sent chills down my spine (figuratively) was the deep deathly numbness swallowing my neck and upper back (literally).  i had never felt anything quite like it before, not even when i ceizured just over a year ago.  plus the kids who witnessed it were freakin me out with talk of ruptured discs and noting the deep dent from my head in the dirt.  so i picked myself up and dissappeared inside, tearing myself down in everyway.  sure that i had once again sacrificed my shot at a successful session.  i nursed it for an hour as happy ran about fetching ice, stealing a neck brace from st josephs, and making calls to see what out options were.  fantastic friends.  after sinking deep into the realization that all might be lost i had to go get scanned to know what was going on inside.  so hanks ambulance took me to the hospital on a homemade stretcher and the professionals took it from there.  hours later i was trying to refuse a morphine iv as the insisted that i take it.  finally they gave in and we agreed on one shot.  at this point the doctor was under the impression i had fracured the extension on my c-7 vertebrae.  minutes later a call from the radiologist revealed that what appeared to be a fracture was in fact a "secondary osification" or a refusing of less densed bone that had simply gone unnoticed a year ago, and may have always been there, or may have been an undiagnosed break.  so tension quickly subsided after receiving the, quite literally, "you're the luckiest man alive" lecture.  at which point i was once again thanking the lord for his kind and wise guidance in slapping me just hard enough this time to make it stick while not betraying the hard work and repentence that was in my heart.  so once again shocked awake, look like a couple weeks before i am really back to it, as my left knee is really swollen and stiff too.  but much better then the alternative series of months which i had anticipated while considering life after riding.  at this point in my life i was shocked what a none option that is.  while i laid in happys house running over and over it in my mind i was broken, i seriously considered the option of a gun to end it, no joke.  luckily i was certain brian didn't have one so i thought that it could wait a day.  in hindsight the hospital visit seems perhaps unnecessary, though i am still in intense discomfort, seeing that nothing was actually broken.  in fact as we pulled tward the e.r. i almost cried out against admittance, feeling that the pain had begun to subside.  my guit was right at that point, just as it was in rolling up to the jump skid lid free, but at a point in which all of my riding dreams are coming true no cost is too great to ensure my soundness of mind and steadfastness of course as summer approaches.  simply put the experience refocused everything and motivates me to redouble my efforts.  the timing could not have been more divine as today ended my 30 day mandatory remittance and the need for pureness of mind is more important then ever as i will have to watch my brother slide back into the rut we have inhabited for so long.  on the ceiling of the e.r. were two posters which gave me comfort, hope, and understanding during the hours of pain which i experienced in the house of the angry river.  the first was a qoute of aristotle which read, "Nature does nothing without necessity."  The second was an unknown voice to me but of similar inspiration, "Without tribulation we would not have rest.  Without sorrow we would not have joy."

2.10.06

finally got the new external drive back and online yesterday, which means that fresh and updated copies of the gp movie will be on shelves soon.  it is the encore addition with mucho bonus footage that has never before been seen.  so look forward to that, within a week i promise.  cross my heart hoped to die, when i thought i broked my neck, almost cried.

2.7.06

i am not that hungry but i am going to eat my words right now.  the pirate schedule is once again in flux and i hope that you all can bear with as we try to organize a fun ride or two before spring hits.  i have sensed for some time the pitfalls of making my thoughts and feelings public.  and i have feared as well the growing tension and politics in the pirate scene.  i have always been prepared to meet any personal repercussions head on for anything i have said as i strive to write nought but truth.  but the nightmare for any journalist or promoter is that their actions might endanger or harm others who would otherwise have been untouched.  it now seems that this has become a reality.  perhaos nightmare is a bit too mellow dramatic, business of late has turned my stomach a bit queasy but such is the nature of business.  unfortunately the pirate game is not one that makes me any money, rather i am sinking for it, owing the bank and the bills with less then ten dollars to my name (quite literally).  and as such it is not a game i got into to exclude anyone.  pirate has always been meant to be all inclusive, and beyond that i have always hoped that it could inspire the uninspired to get onto their bicycles at least once a month.  indeed we have found many successes in this department.  yet recently it has fallen onto me to dictate who can or cannot participate in pirate events, something that is beyond my capacity as pirate producer and as a human being.  i would fold it all up right now and hand everything away before telling an eager party that they could not come and ride with us.  this said i am extremely grateful for all of the support and friends i have made through these last few years in the pirate game, especially hard working boys behind T.R.P. (Patrick Jackson, Amos Pole, and Nathan Pole).  They have given pirate some of the best races humbooldt has ever seen, along with the right to ride some of the greatest trails i have been priviledged to shred.  it pains me to see promotion interests come between myself and my primary passion, riding.  this website, from its earliest itteration, has always been about giving credit and coverage to the riders of humboldt.  and that is what it will continue to be, i hope that motivation never changes.  but somethings do change, life is fluid, we have to flow over rocks, deal with eddies, and plummet over the occasional waterfall.  but pirate is about riding and that is what i plan to continue doing, so i think that the pirate will continue as well (at least for the time being).  i don't know what else can be said here, i wish that there was a more definitive conclusion i could give at this point but there is not.  just follow your guts and do what you believe is right, though it is never easy, and all will be well with you.

2.4.06
sorry for all the jerking around with dates, but now it is settled and i am not going back.  part of it was indirect contact with steve delay, the man behind swd, but i actually spoke to him in person today and all is set for march which is what works best for him.  so expect to ride with some rippin pros and have a shot at some swd framage next month.  the other part was me resisting the extension of what sometimes seems like a burdenous series.  but rob rhall got me all buttered up today like a hot roll, so we are good to go for two more.  chainless this month for the fun and finals next for the glory.  see you then.

2.3.06

definitely on the upswing today.  was able to make it through the day without getting pissed at anyone!  shows i am getting some energy back.  still one hundred percent focused on regaining my health, so no drinky or party for me this weekend.  not that i have the scrilla for it anywhose.  plus decided we are through with the jerking around and sent in our 30 day notice today.  very liberating, glad that today was the last bit of money i will ever send to american property mismanagement.  hope to be up for shredding come days off on monday, whether or not the weather agrees.  will probably busy myself with packing this weekend.  did premiere the new gp 2 tease to some today at the shop, should have a version up on the web this weekend as well. out.

2.2.06

new month, same crunch.  the exposure this weekend got to me, guess it is going around.  nursing a flu, been house ridden the last few days.  some good has come of it though as a new GP2 teaser is about to hit a screen near you, plus talk of a hypnosis premiere this month.  so hang tight, sip you tea, and pray for me.  no that's ok.  the hand is feeling better, still bum but don't think i will have to visit the hospital.  that's all, now i am going to crawl back to bed.

1.31.06

winter racing is tough.  train hard and then race hard in freezing cold, wet conditions, pretty much asking to get sick.  i and jake are both there right now.  just going to have to nurse it for a bit, not too bad, just draaaaaaging.  plus nursing what seems to be a mild boxer's fracture in my right hand.  just glad the adrenaline could carry me through my race runs, taking the gloves on and off wasn't very fun.  and on top of that with all the time off for pirate prep, racing, and just not desiring to work looks like i am about out of house and home.  so gonna have to live on the streets for the next couple to scrap together some travel funds.  oh the aches of reality catching up.

1.30.06

here tis, my rant, yarghh!  don't loo back now or risk being turned into a pillar of salt.  yesterday morning, race day, I was not feeling it.  yesterday after the race, I was barely feeling it.  On my bike, I was feeling it.  Curtis caught on during the car ride out and called me out as he always does, asking me "what the somber shit" was all about.  I am a victim of my own success, or crippled by my own creation sometimes.  When i started the pirate hype that is what i wanted, to hype the thing and make everybody feel like pros, to make me and the other shredders push harder, go faster, and feel hungrier.  Now that vibe is catching up.  I think certain people are taking the chase to personal.  Yesterday when the times were announced and, as I expected, I was a large margin ahead (the pro margin that i am after) i saw the faces of my friends and associates and it brought me down.  Plus it has gotten serious to the point that friends aren't coming out because of the damage it might do to the ego or to the pride to get romped by those who have been riding more.  When really thre pirate season is supposed to be a reason to get on your bike, the pirate season is for practice.  now it seems to legit and people are baking away for more low key options.  i am definitely COMPETITIVE, and if you don't know that then known it now.  so i can't see people practicing and just give up the advantage, I approach all of these as races, cause if I was at a national I would be practicing every day for several days (its the only way to REALLY pin it) and a pirate event isn't any different for me.  but it seems that this spurs on others (which is good) but for those who can't match the commitment it is discouraging.  that is what i loath the most, when my drive and success discourages others, and maybe i am just tripping, but i see it a lot.  I was seriously not going to race yesterday until curtic helped out my confidence (he is a great guy no matter what anyone says and i was proud to see how he handled himself in hoopa yesterday given past head butting).  plus the difficulty of running a race well while trying to race it well.  yesterday the timing and seeding and signups lagged becuase i was overcome.  last year being injured i was able to focus everything on the promotion and it was great, looking at the picture of last years champs with their money and gear makes me happy, cause i am not it it and because as a promoter it was a huge success.  now i can't shake the feeling that people feel i am hustling them, calling them out just to kick dirt on their shoes, this in the back of my mind makes me a lot less social then i should be at the races.  yesterday i took off last both runs cause i knew i was riding the course fastest and i was running the start.  i shouldn't have to think about it but i was glad someone was their both times to verify my starting time because i think people doubt it.  maybe not straight out, but when they announced i had won by thirty seconds i could see some doubt.  to me that is just the confirmation that all my time on the road, on the dirt jumps, in the skate park, lifting my weights, stretching, practicing corners, running, etc etc etc is paying off.  i don't see anybody else doing it so thirty seconds makes perfect sense to me.  i thrive in the mud, i have more fitness on a course that was all about fatigue, and my approach is just more professional.  i hope the wrong people don't take this the wrong way but these are the things i was feeling yesterday.  so now that that is clear, i am definitely looking forward to the real season and riding with fresh folks where there is little or no history and it won't be taken as personal as shit is in a small town.  but i think i will ride out the pirate series because i love it and love you guys and girls and this is who i am.

so now my run report.  as i said before i do well in the mud and was hoping it would be sloppy.  i was running the swampthings (big up MAXXIS) and me and those tires get along great.  in a race like yesterdays pre runs are only worth so much.  i rode none of the lines i had practiced last week, i was running my suspension different then last week.  the course was so different you couldn't rely on memory, only reflex and feeling the bike.  last week i was going a lot faster (as it was dryer) so i had my high speed compression ramped way up cause i was punching corners and drops and roots a lot harder.  almost no slow speed compression.  yesterday i was on the brakes a lot more and was bottoming out on the steeps and g-outs just because of brake dive.  so less high speed, and a lot more slow speed.  worked well.  in seeding i had put off the every 2 run adjustment of my brake levers.  the sole reach adjusters backout so fast that after 2 runs they will pull to the bar.  it was working ok in practice so i decided to stick with it hoping they would collapse any further.  well they did.  it sent me sliding once right at the top, then i cleaned the off cambers and the rest of the wood rat, but my crappy spd's were clogged as i hit the wood rat creek and i couldn't clip in.  i tried to make it up the climb, couldn't, had to dismount and run up (as most did apparently) then i was back on it but the brake issue caught me again after a steep straight into right hand berm.  couldn't get my direction changed and plowed through the berm into a tree, hung my helmet on a branch and tried for what seemed like ten seconds to get unhooked, then all was fine, until i got out of the rock section and felt my rear tire groing flat.  by the bottom high speed section it was gone, but didn't leave the rim and i (to my surprise) cleaned the bottom section and final off camber traverse.  thought the run was crap, but so were everyone elses, and underestimated how fast i was going without brakes.  a 4:16 was apparently pretty good, and damn good considering my problems.  so then it was back up, fixed the flat (which invariably delayed the start the beginners could have had), dialed my brakes out a bit, and back to the top.   last run was looking to do two things, stay up, and keep my feet in so i could make the short climb.  right off the bat the brakes were giving me way more control.  the wood rats off cambers were slicker but i was able to set up better and made it through with sick flat track style.  got off line into the g out but held it together.  was going much slower and almost let myself crash cause i was so disgusted with my pussy footing, but the course was also a lot worse so it was ok.  then took it real easy throughg the creek, concentrating on having my feet and the gear to make the climb.  did, yes.  was slow but knew that was a big step.  then started opening it up.  was surprised at every turn how blow out shit was and found myself grabbing a lot of brake.  realized how well they were working and was like "oh shit i can feel myself slowing down, stop it!"  so started flowing, but as i said things were way blown so had to be careful, didn't know what was gonna happen, lot of logs became uncoverd that were kickging the read end left and right, but thats fun.  as i came into the final third an amazing things happened.  the hard stuff was behind.  i was exhausted, hadn't eaten much cause i am surving on ten bucks this week, had been panting and fogging my gogs for the last two minutes, and then the rythm came.  the confidence came, the flow came.  my mind relaxed and my breathing slowed, big time.  began to take long deep breaths, began to shift into higher and higher gears, began to stand up and pedal everywhere i hadn't before.  then i caught sight of something ahead of me in the trees (it was hank)  knew it was one of the quick guys)  so i rallyed in feeling good, came across the line knowing i had done what i could.  then my pops started spewing about screwed up times, luckily it was just a little confusion and everything was straight.  the rest was nonsense but when i was, and am, on my bike it is all perfect and serene like a jolly joy bubble that nobody can pop.  so will just be milking a beat down hand, from a bail in practice, for a couple days and hope to be back on it soon.

1.26.06

too legit to quit!  just got finished reading the new Clay Porter interview on Descent World.  Gets me thinking as i am shifting more and more time to riding each day (including a fickle hill ascent this morning before work) how attainable mtb film fame could be for us at Fox Horn Productions.  Clay says he gets more kick out of filming then out of riding, and i guess for me it just isn't that way yet.  Really I am just too competitive and get to worked up watching others shred, find myself dropping the camera more and more.  Perhaps when i retire, if that ever happens, i can make the MTB documentary of my dreams, but until then I have been fantasizing about being a professional athlete for much longer, so i will stick with that.  Of course media skills will play an important part of pleasing the sponsors so the two will have to go hand in hand.  It is solidified that Azonic is coming up for me this season, the best deal of my riding career (outside of revo of course) has appeared out of thin air and i am pumped.  Not so much at what it means for this year, but the doors that will be opening if I stick in the game for another couple years, especially if this trend of getting stronger and smarter keeps up.  Thinking back on highschool I was sure that 19 would be my peak, now looking ahead at many years of improvement in the cycling world has me excited, scared, and a little confused.  Just gotta keep believing and keep the weasel in away from all those potential mamas and everything should be rad.  Looks like it will be a slop out this weekend, but there has been quite a bit o' hype so i am pumped.  Just hoping that it all flows smoothly without me having to trip too hard.

1.25.06

let us be thankful for the last two summer days here in humboldt.  went with no shirt for both, it was grand.  played some bball yesterday and found the old stroke again.  now today the rain returns to soften things up for this weekend and i nurse my head from the damages of last night.  call me a sell out, but isn't that the dream.  you will notice that i added a some sponsor links to the pirate home.  don't get confused now, i have shifted to a bit of selfish support.  they aren't all contributing directly to pirate but they are contributing to me.  going to have to use the powers of the page to self promote a bit this year and gain some ground with the companies that might just make riding in pro a reality for me.  they have all come up big recently out of nowhere and i just want to express my thanks and do my job as promoter the best i can.  hope this doesn't ruffle any feathers but i am giddy with excitement about having some new kit this season and hope the death threats can be kept to a minimum.

1.24.06

gave yoga a try yesterday.  kicked my ass!  holy shit are those instructors drill sergeants from another planet.  pretty humbling though which is good.  plus rode into eureka for it, rode the pump track, played trollo (more later), and biked home.  think i will just chill around town today, spend sometime with the roommate and company before the end of the world.  got a long list of things to do today though so got to go.

1.21.06

eight runs today in hoopa.  the trail workers (jake t, jason d, jason r, christina r, rob r, and myself) did an excellent job of blazing the thing in deep.  looking forward to next week, were blessed with sun today.  hope it holds, and kinda hope it doesn't.  think i stand to do well if it is horrendously nasty.  either way it is gonna be a controlled free fall.

1.20.06

strep twas not, just the accumulation of too little sleep and too much stress.  still don't know if we are gonna have to migrate, and the days are ticking.  basically planning on it at this point.  feeling much better though.  snapped my head out of a dive that bit of sickness did.  sometimes to feel good again you have to feel bad.  now back on track, fresh oil in the 40 ozer, and an inch less travel.  headed to hooha tomorrow to see how it handles with a lower c. of g. and some fresh swamp things underneath.  things are really starting to come together for this next season.  looks like i will have more support then i dreamt possible.  i commented to my friend last night, and he agreed, that it can be scary when dreams start to bleed into reality.  frightening and exhilirating all together.  just gotta shrug off any pressure and go with it.

1.19.06

strep throat?  oh shit.  gotta go sit on something soft and forget the talk.

1.18.06

don't know what's got my head more fuzzed, the layover from five elephant pints at the pub last night or the eviciton notice i found in our mailbox today.  suddenly the next few months are a big giant question mark.

1.17.06

god still typing the 05 thing, badbadbad.  pouring in arcata today but got a good workout the last two so i am content, fairly.  except that i keep waking up on the wrong side of the mattress, giving it a few more days before i try anything drastic though.  yesterday celebrated the holiday with the rhalls.  went to hoopa and broke in robbies new wrist.  he is coming back fast and we are going to have him ready to kick some serious j ex tail this summer.  we rode a bit, i was still feeling out of it from the party, but after an hour and a half of serious work with a hand saw i had sweated out all the toxins and was good to go.  so the last run was the best.  really looking forward to more shredding out there.  gotta put on some swampthings though cause my rear was no where it needed to be yesterday.  hoopa doesn't get to slimy but the minion r. was packing and gave no predictability except unpreditabiliy.  going to ber a guessing game come race day i think as far as rubbers are concerned.  researching new local artists today for use in the upcoming film projects.  gotta keep it low key and ligit cause i ain't got the funds to buy no rights.  emmm could go on but i am in the shop on a day off and need to get out and on with it.

1.15.05

what a doosy last night was.  was tentatively planning to go on a ride with the hard core roadies this morning until my roommate called and convinced to come out to the party.  was an old acquantances 21st so how could i say no, plus i really wanted to get shit faced.  that we did killing a handle of corwn royal and a fifth of wild turkey amongst out group as well as countless beers.  was a damn good time but damn was i sore this afternoon.  actually did get up and ride cause it was just too beautiful not to.  was still loaded when i took off and could barely keep mysellf upright.  just cruised out west end to blue town, was nice.  was glad i didn't go with the boys cause my form on the road bike is lacking right now.  made a stop at the storage unit to jam a wee bit on the skins, recorded some beats i hope to use as i strive to produce some tracks for the next GP movie.  figure i could save a lot of time and ass kissing doing it that way.  i can play enough instruments and have the techno savy to make it happen.  then made it home, showered and barely got to the shop as i was running on empty.  felt sore all day, but my mates were worse off.  now i gotta run home to connect with the tenderness i tasted last night.  unfortunately it ended prematurely as my shit faced bro tackled here and put a nasty bump on her head.  among other shit faced attacks and flying pool balls it was a wild one.

1.13.05
friday the 13th, not so bad, only the most boring day in shop this winter...  but the end was fine, in a better mood then last night, can see light again.  all about good company, jo and james can take my mind off just about anything.  plus some beers and the days dragging is far behind.  might actually go out and socialize tonight.  not eating much as i expected but the beer will sooth that.  looking forward to riding with all of you on the 29th, yeah!

1.12.06

new flyer is up and i am so impressed with the work of shanni snyder our in house artist.  mixed feelings about the rest of the series, excited about riding in hoopa again cause i think the terrain suits me more then the first two high speed courses but i am growing more and more burnt with the local scene.  just growing tired of the same rivalries and the talk.  with the excpetions of a few i don't feel that the riders around me are sending the energy i need.  so i will look elsewhere but i can already predict the lonely detachment of rerooting in some place without a long list of digits, though lonely detachment is more often then not my m.o.  undertook a wager this week with my roommate that may have me on the grumpy side for a bit.  eighty dollars says i can go a month, i know we both can but the first week is always hard.  i hope that the break will help me get prepared physically for the upcoming races, but mostly mentally i want to get back to a more care free enbjoyable place.  pirate rolls on, mostly working on video this winter rather then promotion.  should be seeing an SWD promo coming out soon featuring B Rad, Hanky, and Robbie Rhall.  Other then that just forging ahead, enjoying everything i can day to day and dreaming of spring, sea otter and pinning it.

1.7.06
just noticed i typed 05 on the last entry, habits are hard to kick.  amazing what having no internet access at home is doing to me.  obviously pirate dh isn't all that it could be as my entry into the 06 season is not.  haven't contacted a single sponsor when i should be beating down doors.  but these are concious decisions and i accept the detachment.  better things to come.

1.6.05

been feeling sick since i left work tuesday, wasted my only day off this week.  so taking it very easy to let my body recover from the holiday abuse.  bought a bunch of vegetables plus no alcohol or coffee.  surprised how easy the desire for the jitter bean fades when the body is wiped, other desires don't fade as easily unfortunately.  so just taking it real easy this week, editing and watching tube.  shop is boring today, only redeeming part is that i am now taking over inventory duties as i have a quick repor with the computer program, so that gives me purpose and fresh challenges here.  otherwise continuing to sort through my shit and lighten the cargo bays to aid take off come spring.

1.2.05
happy new year.  u had an awesome time saturday night.  a couple days before had a stupid shot session at the house, i mean ridiculous.  can't even go into the details but ended up breaking some vows and getting myself into something that may turn into shit.  lots of fun though.  just a wild winter as always.  head is long gone, due to return from the dark side of the moon in a month or two.  been hanging with people for a change, visiting people for a change, and trying to enjoy myself.  the family wasn't fun but hopefully as this warm fuzzy crap fades so will their needs.  the power was out all new years eve and night.  after a party at the shop in the morn went home, got faded, rocked out with the crew on djembe kazoo and harp.  then when the time came we took that trip.  only problem was that bryce and i had followers as always, bunch of kids with no plans but to follow our parade.  so we managed each to get out alone time and ejjoyed the dark apocalyptic setting.  truly manifested events that night, very crazy and very soothing.  spent yesterday sitting, drinking wine, and rolling l's.  was nice.  now back at work with early release on the horizon.  might be able to tell the story some day but for now i leave it in vague code.

12.24.05

i am back, am here, not broken off, just broken up about having to deal with the holidahs.  bleh.  anyway a day and we'll be back to the riding religion and forget the rest.  want to tell you all about the chinese dh but time this eve is running short and i have many words to type.  so for now i must let the pictures and the hear tell stories speak for themselves.  i will just say that yes there was a boulder involved, jake todd is a cyborg bullit train, my elbow is infact not broken and this makes me happy.

12.17.05

first i want to apologize for the fall offs in updates.  the site slips away easily and while i take great pride and joy in connecting with all of you and providing news and media the role alos becomes a burden, and a position that i sometimes resent.  i have had a tendency to fall into depression and strange seclusion during winter and this year seems no different.  lately i have been obsessing on the urge to move on and the resentment of expectations, both those i hold for myself and those that others cultivate.  pirate is beautiful, it is holy, i believe in it.  but i am not currently in the best environment for it to thrive.  my home situation and work atmosphere i feel are holding me back.  neither one is turning out to be where i want to be.  that's just kind of my way though, like to move on a lot.  if i seem a little ditached to the pirate plans don't take it personal, i am just preparing for departure and want others to see how easily the tradition can continue without my schemes.  when i began lighting up the pirate stuff i wanted a riding focus to keep me and my mates charged up and competitive.  now my desire is for more isolated shredding with new faces.  want to go to a new scene where i can be undercover and where there are no expectations or interferances.  it may just be the time of year or the dazed paranoia of my mind but i see other people as distractions and obstacles rather then as assistance.  i think that my head has just drifted into dangerous territory but those i have contact with daily are simply becoming anchors that are twisting and contorting my resolve.  in the end no one holds the blame but me, i usually can't see that though until things get really bad.  didn't really even want to go out to the race this weekend, knew i couldn't flake like that but just tired of making the calls and being answer guy.  just want to shred with and against myself cause i am feeling some serious progression coming from me vs. me this season.

12505
did the happy dance this saturday.  went out and raced cyclocross.  last year i was all about training for the cyclo series and wanted to kick some butt.  then local interest wained and so did i.  but this weekend was proof that despite my attempts to kill my endurance i still have a little.  at least i've got a half hour anaerobic burn in me which was satisfying to confirm.  went out on my single speed dirt jumper with just a rear v brake and rigid fork hoping to hammer my way to a good finish.  right off the bat i was loving it.  the bike is small so i stood probably eighty percent of the race, a feet on the slippery climbs, this made me happy because i hate to sit while riding, it sucks.  plus i was just feeling the course, a lot of very slippery and mucky off camber coners, was so cool!  props to course designers tom phillips and justin brown.  so i knew this would serve my jones for drifting.  while others seemed to be fighting the slippery factor i was loving it and this helped conserve energy.  was just picturing greg minaar in his first world cup win (super mud fest) and just pinned it as much as my panting body could on all the downhills.  the mud provided enough resistance i pretty much didn't touch my brakes either which was good practice.  started slow, finished at the same pace, but by the end it was fast.  my laps were as fast as anybody all day, just pretty sure i couldn't have kept it up for an hour.  so i won the half hour my a lot and then filmed the hour, getting some interviews and background footage for a piece on the tour of the unknown coast this year.  should have some footy at revo this week, stop by to see the slow speed suffering.

12205

ok, so about that premiere anyway.  what can i type?  it was incredible.  for me it was the culmination of so much i stumble to think about it.  from the time i began riding in junior high making a biking film was always on my mind.  we would shoot silly stunts and shred sessions in the hopes of tying it together, but the footage was just too uninspiring and we were progressing too fast for editing time to be worth it.  fast forward seven years it has been realized to a scale that i would have never imagined my first sincere attempt reaching.  sadly none of my orignial junior high crew are in it, but to get to present even short bits of my mentors to the big screen is a rare honor.  the project began so haphazardly, my only point of centralization was the motivation to bring the spotlight to my contemporaries.  i feel that the people i know put in enough passion to be treated and filmed as professionals, so this is how i pursued it.  finally this year the bits laid into place.  i moved in with filming partner iris, and thus had all our previous footage at my fingertips to simply steal and start editing.  this spurred the project as i pushed on and demanded for material.  therefore we went and pursued and not long there after i obtained my first video camera, something i had been pursuing for a long long time.  This pushed things even farther and faster as years of pent up energy and desire burst forth.  began to sleep less and less, began to edit more and more, began to plan far in advance.  now the project is well on its way and i am completely pumped at the response we have received.  This only makes me more excited to pursue the completion of my vision of a gravity pirates materpiece, a racing documentary capturing the heart, desire, and commitment that this biking community has.  leading up to that we are introducing GP2 near spring time which will give viewers an intimate look at our top areas top riders and their styles and philosophies.  the trilogy will then conclude in GP3 where the entire 2005-06 pirate season will be played through, showing the drama and excitement of the pirate series.
i suppose i should have given a report of the premiere?  lots of people, and the best crowd in the universe to see it with, the stars, their friends and family, a theater full of people who were open and attentive, a blessed and wonderful thing.  i am very grateful for the showing capabilities of our kate buchanan room, the presentation was far beyond any expectations i had.  i nearly cried when i saw how it would look in testing, and i nearly did again as the film concluded and the trailer hit, simply a successful presentation to the t built by constant attention, and fore thought.
stoked...  you can pick up updated DVD's of Gravity Pirates Beginnings, complete with bonus features including the GP2 teaser at Revolution Bicycles.

11.30.05

a little retro active graves log today.  just wrapped some phat postings, think you will all enjoy the photos and more sweet video soon, as well as words on the sweet premiere.  but this wet night i lay down my demise at star's to ease my torment.  it took me a day  of meditation on the wipe out to fully put myself back in the moment and trace the decisions that i had made to get there.  indeed i had been near overconfident coming into the event and was only more so after the seeding run.  had put too much effort into pimping the rig and looking flash, always a bad sign i think.  any how was sitting during round one watching as i had a by, getting anxious and pumped to step up the pace.  see chad pull a sick manual between the first and second rollers and everybody goes nuts.  this is where my game plan fell as did my sense.  vanity and such claimed me as i set to thinking about duplicating his move.  when a couple of lazy attempts found that it was not for me i moved on into my first heat with happy.  knew i wasn't going to bust the chad manual but i didn't want to look like a tart just boofing off the things so as i sprinted off the lione shifting ragedly, cleared the first roller, and approached the second in the lead, i was pushing myself to pick up as early as possible so as to show the crowd a descent pre manual.  this i did, but it was not the way i had been practicing at speed, i had not set a plan, just kind of wung it.  so as i set my front tire down stylishly on the backside by weight was still too far back and the rear wheel to sucked up to me as the tire topped the tall lip.  ejection.  didn't stick to practice plan, let envy and self conciousness in, tried to imress, paid the price.

11.29.05

jammin like mad today to get everything in dope alignment for the premiere tonight.  can't say more now.  come and check it, call your attendance my holiday gift, that's all i really want.

11.27.05

blew it this weekend, missed my chance to own the pirate points for a while.  got some headwork to do.  on track.  i'll delve into that more later.  for now enjoy these, inspiration comes from strange places sometimes. don't ask

11.22.05
Ride Files 01 _ unloaded some stills off the vid cam. check

11.19.05

strange vibes in the air today.  people are lost, people are rude, people are strangely self absorbed.  maybe it was just arcata, but i got a feeling it is something bigger, maybe just some winter cabin fever, but it seems early for that...  held down the shop solo this afternoon, in hopes of trading out tomorrow.  a bit fried right now after many wierd and taxing customer relations today.  my last visit  was from a methed up forty somethin mill worker wearing a green wig, showing me his new kmart boots, and talking all kinds of shit about the packers.  thought i might have to jmp him at first but he turned out to be a good ol boy.  still was happy to see him on his way.  on top of that, how do you wake up a kid who has potential to rule anything he wants but can't seem to break out of the whooping boy roll?  how do you give someone goals to be passionate about?  how do you make him believe in the possibilty of the impossible and the flexibility of time?  how do i break through the customer barrier to meet something i know is there?  how do i advance from looks smiles and pheremons to practice?  these things rush through my schemes as i listen to a segment of Inertia for the fifth time tonight cause the song is so tight.  how do i include everyone and motivate them while still brining my dreams to reality.  the last is last, the second is foremost, just gotta be of one mind and right now i am of many.  only thing that is clear is stomping at star's.  but many leaps between now and then.

11.17.05

celebrate good times come on!  sorry, but i just deposited a paycheck today which ends my almost two weeks without money, eating ramon i bought with tips and basically scrounging tips for food.  all good though, now i have a little scrilla to pay the debts that i can't pay and try to replace the rear shock i blew on my bullit yesterday.  yeah, yesterday was freakin awesome.  aside from blowing the shock on my mtx rig a week before the ride all was killer.  set the whole day aside to film and shred.  went with hank, brian, john, and bryce up to the kneeland hip to get some good shots.  everybody was a little wary when we showed up, but that soon wore off as the gang went huge!  hank pulled a stupid step down out of nowhere and john checked into the stratosphere, it was sweet!  then we moved onto the lost trail and hit that way hard for a while.  got lots of sick footy as we all pushed until the tires broke loose, and whiped until we couldn't anymore.  then it was onto hapgoods yard where we caught up with the 20 inch mafia, and shredded for for a bit.  the bar was raised when hank and john decided to drop off happy's roof into a small table top landing.  that was sick.  all all in all we got just what we needed to beef up the teaser for GP2 that will premiere tuesday Nov 29th at HSU's kate buchanan room.  the footy looks great and peeeps are getting motivated to throwdown.  john was so stoked he skipped class, i hope i don't contribute to that on a regular basis, but i think you all know where myu priorities are right now.  it was a good day, left my legs empty, and left me pretty damn motivated, but also left me reviewing my training ways.  i am a super secret training, solo shredding, keep it undercover rider.  this last month i have ridden with john more then i think i ever have consecutively, just edging him at la grange was the booster i needed to feel ok associating wid him.  but i still get caught up in the competitive scheming.  i know that for me to progress i gotta hang with agro crazys like john, and it is helping.  but i also know that john hanging around me and seeing my pace gets him motivated and opens his eyes to things.  i am so cautious about helping out the competition that i almost want to stop riding with him, or at least not contribute to his desire to ride in order to better my chances.  this is a catch 22 if you think about it.  kinda gotta let go of the local legend thing in order to step up to something bigger.  he feels it, i feel it, now i just gotta chill out and try to keep up.

11.13.05

stir crazy, cabin fever, ants in the pants!  a rainy sunday and the shop is dead.  have cleaned and tidied way too many times.  cleaned up the faith and shaved .7 pounds this morning.  hope my chain stays on though.  outside the mist falls with the monotonous repetition that only a humbold winter can provide.  tonight i will complete the final segement for GP B and incorporate that.  Hope to be burning DVDs soon, the last segement was a last minute decision

11.11.05

last night was a very productive dig sess in mac town.  jared, jhon, and ryan went out at dusk sessiones for a bit and then put their shovels to the earth.  me and jed showed up closer to seven, headlamps on and took over for a bit.  soon some huge mounds had appeared out of nowhere, and we even undid some unsightly damage that some green diggers did.  yeah, the guys were hilarious, and we got a lot done.  think there will be many more to come and the trails will be blowing up.  lost the train of thought now, so just check out the album and be happy.

11.9.05

yesterday was a good sunday for me, at least myt sunday, then end of my weekend.  woke up, lazed on the porch as the sun rose into the clear sky.  had a guest over and watched "what the *#%! do we know"  a film all about the magic of quantum physics.  really faith building material.  then went out to practice the magic in the slippery woods.  me john and chris mackleburg shredded the community forest for a bit, then caught up with robbie rhall at revo and did an evening couch run.  really ripped some sections, was good.  when you focus on the ride to the exclusion of all else magic really does happen, we become capable of reworking the laws of physics to our advantage, make the impossible possible, this is the ultimate.  now back in the shop on the clock, wishing i had more material to throw up for y'all.  but my camera man from los muertos is flaking, i am broke and can't develop his film for him, mad shirts and hats waiting for me to swoop up, but pirate is in the red.  gonna have to give the businiess a loan and hope i can sell some gear.  looking forward to stars and the premiere.  captured more for the GP 2 teaser last night, gonna be sick.  i know everybody says it, but we are taking it to another level, at least for us.

11.5.05

shop sittin.  saturday, monsoon in the temperate rain forest.  precipitation continues as the calenday new year draws ever closer.  reflected today on events nearly a year ago...  shit.  just working now, planning to take up night digging very soon.  will charge my light tonight and march tomorrow.  yesterday was dull except for a spontaneous skid session with bonjovi after work.  was sick, we raced in a super tight figure eight for a good ten minutes, good work out, good practice.  then some tire slides, which soon evolved into tire slide to fakie attempts.  john had a front brake and whiped out a sick tire slide to nose whellie 180 to roll back to reuturn, or whatever.  got a dvd menu made up last night, but found when i went to burn that the stack of 100 DVD r' that I have to burn are the wrong type for video burning.  So now I gotta sit on it until I get some money to get it rolling.  So, i'l tell you about it later.

11.3.05

well yesterday was a good day for riding, a bad one for responsible obligations.  Awoke at six o clock, after a very late night editing to ride with jed's visiting bud taylor down the couch trail.  talking about it the night before was awesome, the waking up however was not so savory.  but we made it up the hill as the sun rose and dealt with the frigid air as our muscles attempted to warm.  really fun 30 minute session on the lost trail in wet conditions.  the trail hooks all the time and has weathered now to a point of eternal perfection.  the guys who built it knew what they were doing.  then we charged the couch, finding it surprisingly brush free, finding a secret 50 track, and having a good wet time.  back to town by nine thirty, recharged, exported video, rode to happy's.  the innovation at hapgoods house is blow mind, so creative, so sweet, and literally getting better by the minute as rain packs and smooths the track. (also i think brian spends an average of thirty minutes per hour of each day out there.  shot footy for GP2, was good, some great silhouettes as the 20 inch mofia shredded into the night and the halogen stadium lamps lit up.  also got the exclusive ricky fantastic man interview to be seen in GP2.  You'll see, you'll like.  Then back home to work further on video.  as of this morning got the prelim copy printed to VHS, DVD coming soon.  still a bit of polishing, but the prelim is previewing with the bigfoot bicycle club at their annual meeting tonight.  i was too nervous to attend, still some changes to make and...  well you'll see.  now doing laundry, and hopefully all my rain gear from these mud rides that have suddenly become very popular.  ps.  my host tells me it is critical that i remove some of my excessive files.

10.31.05

Well here it is, the biased, graves log race report.  Remember if you don’t want to hear it one sided then don’t read this.  So the Tangle came yesterday and boy was I pumped, I mean I had been looking forward to it ever since I got spanked there two years ago, but I wasn’t stressing it like I have races in the past.  I did got out and do several practice days but wasn’t obsessing on it daily, which was great, have learned that that doesn’t really help.  Plus there was LaGrange thrown into the mix to take some of the importance off so I was just like another weekend ride.  This was the first race in sometime, with the exception of Lagrange (sort of) that I haven’t focused everything on the result and gone straight edge for a period before.  I have realized that what is more important then the lifestyle one carries, is the conviction with which one carries out that lifestyle.  One must do anything in their life with a whole heart and without doubt.  I have been given up to self loathing and debasing thoughts in the past.  This weekend I got over it, realized that one race wasn’t my final chance for salvation, and that most important was just keeping my routine consistent, and to have confidence  in my approach, my abilities, and my bike.  So I showed up very relaxed, knowing that I couldn’t force myself to go faster then I could go, but if I wanted to I would go as fast as I could.  That too has changed for me lately, the mental approach to a course.  First not being overly technical with sections, not getting held up mentally if a section in the race doesn’t go exactly as planned, simply carrying speed is more important.  Along with that comes confidence and the shere will to hang onto the bike and the trail at all costs.  To shut out all assessments and reports until the end, and just focus on hitting each corner as hard as you can.  And the big one that ties in with both of those is skidding!  For so long now my idea of a perfect run was feet up, no unclippings, and no skids!  That meant cornering smooth, but slow, and pedaling like a hammer out of the corners, not to mention braking way too early.  So my secret…  I have been practicing skidding, drifting, getting loose, coming into unknown sections hot and dealing with it, in short getting ragged.  Riding as loose as a wild turkey.  This is good as long as you can hang onto the will to move on down the trail, which I have lost in the past due to line anality.  There are a lot of other things that have opened my eyes lately, like body position, bike set up, and trail vision.  But the combo is me feeling faster then ever in corners without being in the very good sprinting shape , the next step would be to combine the two and then you have pro pace.  The other big deal I wanted to unveil was my finger nails.  This goes back to my days as a competitive basketball player.  Toward the end of highschool I was becoming a real shooting threat, having won a three point shooting contest and other in game accolades.  I found that cutting my fingernails too soon before a game compromised my feel for the ball, as I was not accustomed to the feel of my hands, it was a distraction, not to mention the tendency for flesh to get torn back from the nail.  So even if they was way too long (like today) I would leave it till after the game until I trimmed them, wouldn’t cut them later then three days before a match.  I just think it is funny that I still hold this practice.  Probably not as crucial as a point guards shooting touch, but bar feel is key.  So I keep my nails at comfort length, whatever that may be, so as not to shock myself on the trail.  I don’t expect that that tip will win any world championships, and I hope I don’t get teased about it, I just thought you would find it interesting.  I also have to cop to tactics this weekend.  I did have about a 5 second get off in run one.  After that trot off the bike was run was ripping, but I didn’t expect to be in the hot seat.  So when I realized how fast my pace was that day I had to keeps the cards tight.  Obviously that gave some confidence in run two, that I could keep it consistent, clean that one corner, and have it.  It was all good, a little conservative to the corner I had blown before, made it, and then just opened it up.  Was a little sloppier through some places, scared myself to the point I would have popped two years ago, but my focus was solid that day. And when I survived the last couple of corners (the ones you always think will strike you down after a killer run) I was elated, accomplishing my goal of hitting some sections faster then I had hit them before, something else I used to rule out as a race run possibility for myself.  Now I just have to deal with the target I have shouldered,, find out how to write non self serving race reports, and look forward to cranking like a mad man at the So Hum Shootout.

10.29.05

well tomorrow is ride 1!  big crew just rolled out today from revo; happy, newkirk with his gravity motorless cycle, matt nas of swd, and more.  should be fun.  anticipating some high speed spray, fenders might be good.  hope all flows well, been a little caught up in cranking out the video and sight updates to think much about it.  that's good i guess, gotta figure out how i am getting out there today and a whole lot of other shiza.  see you at te tangle.

10.25.05

just concluded my long over due interview with mr. brown regarding the revolution.  keep your eyes on the humboldt advocate for that piece next week, should be cool.  forgot last night to send a shout out to mr. matt snyder, was feeling the flow this weekend in the corners as i said and much of that is thanks to his tutilage last year, opened my eyes to a lot of things, and as i further progress i realize what an advanced rider he really is.  in outside news i look out the window and see rain, rain, rain.  means it is pirate season.  tangle should be sweet this weekend, going to be fast and perhgaps a little sloppy.  hope the buzz i have been hearing is representative of the potential turnout, think this year will be of the hizook.  so as of next week the sun sets way early so bust out those headlamps and let's do some night rides, i want to charge so come bug me and let's do it up.  what's hot:  ground hugging bikes, drifting, and moto helmets.  what's not:  poor sportsman ship, two faced double talk, bunk timing.  plan to keep those straight this pirate season, ho ho ho and stay jolly.

10.24.05

oh my god, a quite surreal night it has become.  locked up in the shop with a couple of insane bmx groms, juniors to be exact.  trying to build their new exciting frames.  what they thought would be a quick assembly turned into the mandatory three to four hour dial in period.  so it is now a quarter to ten and i have been in the shop for thirteen hours +...  ahh the saga has ended, they have headed home.  couldn't say no, was flashing back to the nights of overtime that sean t and mr. brown logged helping me race prep my bikes and build em, was a very special booster for me and to be able to pass that on along with a little bit of understanding is a wonderful thing.  though i missed my post work ride i am happy with the way it played out.  this last weekend was the lagrange fall classic, it went well.  i opted out of the xc realizing that i was no where near the fitness i wanted.  so saved my legs for the super d on saturday afternoon.  went out hard on the lightened up bullit, but unfortunately the course was four fifths xc and i couldn't hang with the trek xc pro that beat me.  absolutely shredded the dh section but could not keep up the twenty plus minutes of pedaling to win, second overall.  then sunday was the real show, dh.  was an interesting trip, in that i traveled and hoteled with my closest competition; joh bonham and jared delong.  didn't have the numerous practice runs i am used to but was feeling good by second run race morning until i  rear flatted.  got it fixed  front flatted one minute into race run one.  so the pressure was on for run two.  got up and managed to get into my head after the major psyche out and had a ripping run.  hit some sections faster then i had ever hit them, definitely didn't have the fitness i have had in past years but was faster in the corners then i have ever been.  in the end the smooth run turned out to be my fastest ever at lagrange (an 8:04 subtracting the 38 seconds that the organizers watches were offset)  shy of the sub seven i was looking for, but given the dry and rutted conditions plus my recent recovery from sickness not too bad.  we were shown how it should be done by the costa rican national champ who bested me by twenty seconds, very fast!  so for the third year running i was second overall at lazgrange, john bonham in third with an 8:07 (we must have had indentical runs), and jared in fourth with a 8:27.  was good to race again.  looking forward to tish tang, just spun right now, gotta eat and get home.  peace

10.17.05
well the jump jam could not have gone off much better.  i tend to focus on the short comings, but all things aside it was great, the kids got to shred, rider turn out was great, as was the fan section.  the were some notable absences, you know who you are and you know you are now on the white skull hit list, so be good and join us next time or else.  i was just bummed that my camera man/roommate dropped the ball and partyed too hard the night before to make it out.  getting coverage of the event was big to me and having the footage be not all that it could have been bummed me out.  i was stoked to pull a few minor tricks that i had been wanting to try in the pack, but on video review my style was dwarfed a bit more then i would have hoped, meaning i need to start nutting up and throwing down with more confidence.  also of bummer status was a rack i had toward the end of the half hour jam.  just came in stiff, did a not commital bail out, slid into the bank, and whipped my noggin down.  got concused pretty good, watching the tape was surreal cause i had no recollection of laying on the ground as long as i did.  was stoked i managed to shake it off and get through the set a few more times with grace, but did not have my wits about me for the awards ceremony so again it wasn't all it could have been.  also stopped me short of trying a couple bigger tricks i wanted to pull, but there is always next time, right?  overall it was the most killer session i think i have ever had, good vibes, great riders, and killer hospitality.

10.16.05
feeing the most normal i have felt in a week this morning.  the sun has come out to dry our jumps and all seems to be in readiness.  all that is left is to hold down the shop for two hours this morning, tape up the shin, load some schwag, and go shred.  i am pumped, know that we are going to witness some progression with the collection of jumpers on site today and the cheering section that is gonna be in force.  come check it or lose everything.

10.14.05

couldn't wait till later to update.  talked with star faraon last night and secured a mountain cross date for the third weekend of november.  very stoked.  now up on the pirate calendar, november 26th will be the so hum shootout on star's epic biker cross course.  got a very sore ankle from a shinner last week at jared's, did a bunny hop on the way to work this morning and it is still hurting.  don't think it will get better before this weekend, have to try ice or something.

10.13.05

been under the weather for almost a week now.  got knocked down the day after the jareds jump session pictures up now.  rode so hard and long i bonked and think my immunity did too.  so yesterday i went back out to tish tach with b rad and sweated the last of the flu out.  today feeling the ending effects but on my way to mobbing again.  think i will be ready come sunday which was seeming impossible two days ago.  but got to watch some movies and eat some food, was cool.  just hope the rumors of rain i heard are wrong.  just dropped a stiffy spring in my dj fork and think that will mack me very happy, like viagra for the jumper, just sends you up up up.  if you asked me tonight i honestly don't know, not whats next, not where my wallet is, not why pirate dh, not when it will stop, and definitely not where i am headed.  try me tomorrow...

10.08.05

today was a successful day in the shop, didn't feel as bad as i thought i might but felt worse then i wanted to.  glad to be sitting now, mind off riding and other amibitions for a time and just taking er easy.  sometimes ailments are blessings, really needed to chill, and wouldn't have done so unless it was forced.  i just get so obsesive that i can't stop hammering away at the things on my mind, even at the expense of my health.  last night was all prepped to go home and go straight to bed after updates but was greeted by a house full of drugged up kids enjoying themselves.  i was of course greeted with hugs and rubs by the good feeling ones, but was a little disturbed to find that my roommate had gotten up and took off, leaving the party behind.  so i did some favors and hung out a bit, watched some glass break and some other nonsense until the cab showed up and then went to bed.  woke up with half the posse on sleeping on the floor and the house a bit worse for wear.  i am pretty easy going, but at some point somethings gotta give, if roomy doesn't start putting in some effort to keep house i am going to be upset.  but that is minor as things go, feeling ill is of more concern, so we will knock that out and move on.

10.07.05

ahh, down time.  sometimes there is simply no option.  tonight i feel sickness creeping.  it wasn't until co-worker james pronounced his cold and started coughing everywhere that i felt it.  now i am not sure.  so to cure the constant shredding and under eating of the last couple of days i have stuffed myself tonight while washing laundry and web working, and plan to hit the hay relatively early.  my weekend this week could not have been better for riding.  wednesday went to tish tang with joel and brian.  got a bunch o runs and found some new drift and new lines.  really looking forward to the los muertos, no matter who you are everyone goes faster then they plan there.  then yesterday had an epic jump session at jareds.  i got the bitch run award for sixing the eight pack like twenty times before boosting the last double.  peaky downhill dubs were making me cautios but once i stopped doubting it was great.  as much loft as you want and definitely time to throw limbs around as john bonjovi demonstrated.  the light was here and there but we got some good pics to get everybody stoked, check out Fresh Media. My first picture looks like i am about to pull a superman, here's a secret though.  the dog had just run in front of me, i ran over its foot and bailed = nuts to seat, ouch.  was a good time.  just worked today, sore muscles and no reserves.  so gotta rest and pop some vitamins tonight to come back strong.  i have just been stressing over every detail lately; pre racing every pirate event in my head, killing myself over dirt jumps, beating myself up about money, videos, house cleaning, etc.  you name it and i have griefed myself about it.  need to chill, hope it was just the bugs in the system.  we'll see.  seeing the sight doing well is great though, guess i am just putting a lot of pressure on myself to legitimize my web stature with my riding, can't go on like this forever, putting myself out there day in and out, gonna have to pass the torch soon.

10.04.05

whoa! 204 visits today, that is a record.  and over a hundred votes on the photo finals already!  money talks ehh?  just finished polishing up te faith for dh runs at tish tang tomorrow, so much to do and so little time, wish i didn't have to sleep but then i would be to insane to ride well.  so i promise more updates soon and a fresh pirate trailer on the way leading up to the video release in november.  thanks for tuning in and stay with us it is only getting better

10.02.05

just hoped off the bus after an eight hour trip home.  will explain the hang up later, too spun right now.  cracked down and got the final photo round up so check and and revile in your power to rock the vote.  can't stop shouting "team america, fuck yeah!  we here to save the mother fucking day yeah!"  so maybe tomorrow i can tell you all about the wonders interbike, the dry dry desert, and the perils and pleasures of air travel.  stay tuned, tank you.

9/18/05

to be concise, kinda slumpin at the moment.  had an absolutely amazing night last night; danced and smooched and sang.  spent it with extraordinary people who lifted my spirit to incredible heights.  then today i am trapped dealing with absolute degenerates one after the other, having to hold my tongue and decipher pointless jibber one after the next.  pretty much over it at this point.  definitely on the gravy train but starting to plan the next chapter now.  after pirate season 06 it will be time to lift off.  my plans for the evening were resting on drunken plans from last night, and to now surprise my friend flaked.  and after staying late to clean up i am not feeling like braving the frigid humboldt air to bike to my drum set as i had hoped to do.  so i think i will go home and edit video, at least a minor feeling of accomplishments, find what ever schwag i can around the house to get me going and try to forget what sorry souls there are in this world.  one exception, met paul demark this morning and that was awesome.

9/17/05

well it happened this eve.  after a cool night last night visiting with a gal and her pal from australia i was very renewed, and today have had hers on my mind and now give up a dig session tonight on the odd chance of party hopping with her.  let's hope it is fun and rewarding, though from experience it only leads to emo'esque contemplation and turmoil.  can't have the sweet without the sour.

9/16/05

yesterday was another day of unexpected progression.  my morning stretched on beyond whatr i had planned, partly to blame was the grey sky that bundled me in my abode.  sharing in this fault was a call from a sweet little bird that wanted to spend time with me over a hot meal, and to boot my long anticipated camera arrived minutes before she did.  this all sent me into a tisy that has not yet worn off.  so after i wrapped up the meal and the camera i biked to an unnamed mates house in mckinleyville.  jon bonjovi was there and the digging had begun.  an unbelievable amount of dirt was moved (thanks to pristine soil and inspired laborers) resulting in a transformation from pinner tables under six feet of grass to groomed lips towering six feet above it all.  the trulky amazing part was that following the transformation the soil had packed enough to allow our whooped asses to ride it.  quite honestly the most kick jumps i have hit in days.  requiring one to spot the landing while floating about ten feet above the lowest point below, exhilirating.  felt quite good after flowing the fresh eight pack a few times, quite good.  today back at work, webbing it, hammering out camera issues, planning the next film project, trying to conive a trip to vegas etc.  whoo

9/14/05

today was a good day of riding.  some days i feel like i have the best crew in the world to ride with, chill and unassuming.  some days i feel like i have the worst crew to ride with, chill and unassuming.  but today i rode alone and with new people and it was good.  first thing in the morn i hit the couch with nigel the xc maniac.  really got some flow on the top section letting the faith do its thing, and was pretty impressed with nigels ability to keep up.  i had to b put myu mind to it to drop him and i kept coming back to the seat which jutted a foot out of his frame.  pushed the big bike out at a pretty good clip and cruised back into town to refuel.  sat at home for a bit, took care of a little business and decided i needed to hit it again.  so i got loaded and headed into the forest, pedaled the single speed up to the top and sessioned the upper section of the jump trail.  first just finding speed.  then i saw a line i had never attempted before and decided to give it a go for entertainments sake.  the first double is all that remains, a 8-10 footer out of a smooth left hand berm.  after the double you can flow straight through, but there is also a sharp left hand turn where riders used to bypass the large log drop.  now that the log drop is gone there is no need for it but i was intrigued by the technical challenge that it presented.  so the goal was to clear the first double and then make the left hand turn and carry it through... sounds easy, not quite.  the double gives you speed regardless of how slow you come in, and the turn is a 90 degree left about 8 feet from where you are landing.  the corner is flat and off camberish, totally dry, smooth hard pack, and the line is narrow thanks to a dirt jump ditch dug on the outside of the lane.  so to make the corner you have to somehow pitch the bike sideways without dropping the wheel into the hole, and manage to carry speed through this flat lane that is only a foot and a half wide.  to boot i am running slick tires and only a rear brake, so basically slowing down for it is not an option.  plus after the apex of the turn the trail goes up slightly and s's between two pieces of a downedlog, not really any room to pedal, and i couldn't see holding the speed to crest the rise.  my first attempt sent me into a surprisingly smooth sideways drift but couldn't hold it straight so i hopped and bounced off the bike and into the ditch, amazed that i had come as close as i did.  after that i was stoked at the attempt and about ready to pack it in, not believing that it would be possible to make on the bike i was on.  but i gave it a couple more goes, coming in slow, popping high, landing soft, and looking up.  got closer and closer, locking the rear and letting it snap around and then feathering the brake to get traction and continue up the rise.  quickly clued in that i needed to find some outside real estate to set up properly, and did so.  next try i landed way out to the right, tapped the brakes, foot out, no dab, slid it around smooth and controlled, got off the brakes, regained traction, and popped right up and between the logs as my foot came on and i pedaled out.  i cannot explain how pumped i was, but i am sure you all can relate to a moment of progression when the impossible becomes possible.  like putting on a new pair of glasses and seeing the real world for the first time.  i had not even believed that the laws of physics would allow such a move this day, complete skidding and changing direction, i could not belive that anyu forward momentum could be maintained.  but it was.  i hit it three more times, absolutely 'killing the corner' as snyder would say, with a smile on my face that was worth a million bucks. awesome.  then i ripped down home, got some fuel at the gas station food mart, kicked it for an hour and hitched a ride to the bmx track.  now that the moto is gone wednesday is for bmx.  felt good, really getting some pop like i never had.  but i was burnt, not just from all the riding, but burnt.  all is good, but my lungs hurt so i need to address that issue soon.  well if all goes well here the gravity pirates teaser will be up on the web tonight, hope you all enjoy and look for more soon.

9/13/05

today was wacky, woke up and dwindled away the morning editing video segments, mostly the chainless dh from last february.  got that pretty dialed in, then scott mcneil calls me up and we decide that he is going to buy my dirt bike, he's going to be hanging out in the hills and needs a toy.  and i, well, i was loving it, but to push it any farther at this point in time will only take away from the bike and risk my neck.  definitely picked up some skill from it, but i wanted to pass it on before it cost me more money.  broke even so that was cool.  gonna re work my wednesday block to hit the bmx track instead of the moto, that will be good.  just more time on the bike is what it really comes down to.  after closing the deal i rode the mac safeway jumps for an hour, rode back to arcata, banked, and then hit the skatepark till dark.  good cross training, makes wrists strong.  on the side i am happy to anounce that shanni snyder is gonna be producing all the pirate flyers this season.  her work has dazzled the gravity crowd in the past and i am looking forward to what she can throw out this time around.  keep eyes open for muertos dh flyers this month.  basically that's it, living to ride right now and that is good.

9/11/05

funny i haven't heard a single mention of the somber memorial that today marks.  wonderful how hearts, minds, and countries heal.  looked back on the memory for a moment after counting out tonight, and looking at the date for the first time, remember first period that year, very traumatic.  one of those memories that will always be with like the folks talking of the kennedy assasination.  yesterday was a big step somewhere for me, with the help of brother i moved my drum kit to my storage unit in blue lake.  seems like a dramatic solution but a mere five minutes of playing with any concern of upsetting a neighboring party was worth it all.  hadn't touched them for almost two months and that brief release was bitchin.  then came home to work on web after a twilight skate park session.  basically good good, looking forward to pirate season and hoping i can stay sane to contend.

9/10/05

last night was the culmination of my riding recently.  been spending a lot of time in less then ideal circumstances riding bikes, and last night was by far the most intense and exciting bout yet.  a night run down horse mountain.  the very thought of it sent me into contemplative statia on the way up the hill.  at the top it was freezing, with cutting wind buffeting relentlessy.  when we took off headlights were on and the sky was the deepest dark i have seen in some time.  the focus on the way down was awesome, having no choice but to switch into the zone or die.  look forward to more such missions.

9/8/05

news flash...  last night had jump sess with sean t.  thought the world was ending...  today rented a storage unit to house my drums and earthly collections to loosen these ties when the time comes to fly...  got pirate gear jump started, looking forward to embroidered hats this year...  just ordered a new video camera, exicited to the point of sickeness, been anticipating that move for very long time...  should be seeing preview for gravity pirates movie on the web this week, stoked.  stay tuned more excitement soon.  plus new winter schedule posted soon.  first race october 31st, horse linto willow creek, dia de los muertos dh.

9/4/05

september has begun, and so must pirate training.  the dia de los muertos dh will be upon us soon and we must be ready.  trekked to hoppa today in celebration of not having to labor.  got a couple runs in but ironically a carpet tack amongst the sharp and jagged rocks of big hill ended it for us, puncturing a tire and leaving us without a spare.  in the name of being responsible we left early and came back to the coast.  not before i got a bit of flow to leave me stoked.  then i hit the jump trail memorial mess hard for a while, practicing sections and working on letting things break free in a controlled and comfortable manner.  set up some positive plans for the morning and hope to shake this monkey off my back.

8/31/05

been working like a slave though with 103+ hours in the last two weeks.  will be a nice check but would love to have some play time.  went motoing tonight, was great fun except i was with these guys who love to explore so we bush wacked a bit and hit numerous dead ends.  i am the kind of rider who likes doing hot laps in one place for an hour until i can't move and finding any more speed would send me into orbit, the riding blind isn't my cup of tea.  but was fun none the less.  really starting to lean the bike over in the turns and let it drift.  when you can let a 200 pund moto slide predictably between your legs at forty it is a good feeling, hooking turns-both tires sliding-no brakes, love it (feels a lot like surfing).
on a side note this month marks the lowest hit count on piratedh.com in months, this can be explained by my lack of internet at home and not time to didle at work.  been spending more time on the bike, but so the page suffers.  winter should be good to us though, piratedh series schedule soon.
 
8/28/05
well the a town downtown just went down.  curtis twisted the red bull downtown into the "white skull" downtown.  great stuff.  missed a few key faces, you know who you are... but it was freakin awesome.  nine rippers and enough course marshalls to make the thing work, thanks to all the volunteers for their help.  it wasn't lisbon by any means but everyone pinned what was basically a blind course.  found way more speed in some sections on unplanned lines then i thought i would.  off the line i jumped into the front and held it for a minute.  then jed powered up next to me (i'm riding a faith with fox 40's and tiny tires and he is on his haro hardtail)  let him cruise in front and just followed down.  we put a big gap on everyone pretty quick and pretty much pace lined right into the finish, it was sick pinning it through the halls and corridors.  the volunteers came in handy as we did have one run in with a white jeep, thankfully of no consequence.  the field scattered out a bit but everyone made it down and had their own battles to speak of.  i finished right behind jed who claimed first with ripping style, i wasn't counting myself in the money so brian hapgood took second place money, and jason allen took third.  robbie rhall diced in the top three but got passed at the last to take third.  joel was fourth but pinch flatted in the top third on an uphill bunny hop.  met some new faces gave away $90 and some pirate gear, it was fun and so freakin punk that i could hardly stand it.  a beautiful thing, have some pictures soon.

8/20/05
things have been rushing right along after returning from the trip.  with the town population exploding as college is soon to kick back in, the shop has been hoping and it is all we can do to keep up.  on top of that my brother is in town until tuesday so i am making any necessary sacrifices to hang with him while he is here.  after days of sunshine and temps in the 90's all the recent fog is wearing on my will.  regardless we have been charging, a night run down the couch two days ago, a night at the bars last night, three hours in bed, followed by a dawn patrol session at moonstone beach today.  there were almost no waves, knee highs, but just enough to catch a few and have a blast.  beginning to feel the ebb of all this abnormal activity though.  tonight shall be sitting and movies, next week get back to real riding and set up the downtown dh.  hope to have a recap of the hoopa race last weekend, congrats to jared delong on taken even more money, he is having a great year.  also have to tell you all about the reunion, the serpentine, and the joseph police...  you can also look forward to a fresh profile with happy hapgood after he gets back from his world tour in japan.  he doesn't know it yet but we are going to pump more dirt from him then you could find in a potting soil plant.  stay tuned.

8/10/05

well tomorrow we depart, to vacate with the fam and leave all my scene behind.  plan for it to be a very surreal and disconnected trip outside of the county, so much so that i will yearn for structure when i return.  be back monday to start final prep for the down town dh.  you all gota come out to vie for the cash money and general anarchist fun of it all.  if my insanity survives the family reunion it should all go well.  today shredded briefly with john bonham, that kid is on another planet, and if he sets his nose to grinding on the bike we all better hold onto our butts.  last prelim round of the photo contest is up, should be hottly contested.  please log in and make the winner feel legit with mucho votes.  so have a good weekend and expect some sort of twisted report on the line dancing and karaoke i am sure to encounter.

8/9/05

vacation has begun.  was flying real high today.  got some things done, spent time with some beautiful people, then my family had to go and shatter it all.  just not down with 'em, what can i say.  makes me want to forgo the road trip and hit sovereign days instead.  know how much my presence would mean to my kin, but also know how much i am loathing the thought of being in the company of certain relations for a period of time reaching beyond an hour.  harsh but true, i am not in a good state of mind about it right now.  otherwise life on my own front has been great.  shit just gets stanky when touched by the wrong people.

8/4/05

with my weekend behind i look forward to four more days of consecutive work.  figure i will still be able to get somethings done.  took the last two days off the bike, just wanted to change it up and see some different people for a brief period.  actually went surfing for the first time in a year.  was great to be out in the water again.  didn't really catch any good waves,  the mushy three foot sets just weren't right for my thin little mini gun.  maybe someday i will have a board for when it is squashy, but was simply surprised that i had a good time in such cold water.  hope to do it again soon.  tonight doing laundry and typing, probably not much else.  something is holding me back from building the faith up with my parts, seems like a lot of responsibility ya know?  and to get used to a new bike, a fucking free ride bike, only to have to give it up and do something else seems like needless energy.  what i need is an iron horse.  maybe someday.

8/1/05

hard to believe august is here already, but with sumer in full swing i am absolutely eating it up.  last night was dirt jumping until nine oclock.  last run could not even spot landings, it was great.  nothing can duplicate the goofy stokedness that you get dirt jumpin with the crew.  came home and hung with hapgood for a few, precious moments before his three week departure to japan.  you can look forward to details of his travels and foreign rides as i plan to subject him to intense interrogations upon his return.  and tomorrow uk jake goes home.  he will be missed but i know we all need a break.  sadly his trip ended with a hip check at the skate park this afternoon.  he thinks he might have broke it, i hope he will be ok, though he has to give up several days of planned riding in santa cruz before returning home.  tomorrow i think i will take easy, maybe just run some errands on the road bike.  no work, get a break before the crew takes off for reggae, will be flying solo this weekend so will have to be on point.  might just get a little crazy tonight, but more likely i will just work on editing video.

7/31/05
ahh sunday morn.  this new work schedule really freaks me out.  out roaming town on wednesday night looking for something to be poppin but all is asleep.  then last night i am rolling home to get to bed and rest for work and the whole town is getting down.  very backwards.  last night began a demo on a new haro dirt jumper that the Mountain Bike editor didn't have time to test.  So I am putting it through the passes.  Jammed up to the lost and did hella runs before we ran out of light.  The hard tail surprised with its stability and snappiness in the corners.  Lower BB then I have been riding and way tackier tires makes a big difference.  Did prove that shimano chains are crap as i broke the stoke one right off.  Look forward to testing that a bit more tonight at the mac dj's.  Was thinking as I headed out for the dirt bike ride this week how timely the fix of my moto was.  Cause until now i had lingering reservations about my back.  But as of this month, following a long break before the bigfoot and intense riding after it, I am feeling good.  The past actually slips out of my conciousness most the time, and that is priceless.

7/29/05

yawn stretch yawn.  not quite 24 hrs since the last entry so it doesn't look like any time has passed here.  in reality though it was a productive day.  spent he morning cruising town with the roommate, he found some shelves and i found some pants at the thrift store.  then i finally ended the mac town saga as i moved the remainder of my possesions out of my old garage and, with the help of my mum, re-cluttered my apartment.  then met me budy taylor to ride moto.  we got a bit into the shredding and his bike started making bad noises. so we ended early and headed home.  ate a bit, cut down my new old pants, and pedaled out to the jacoby creek jump farm.  had a good ride with uk jake, feel real worked out after the moto, a load of situps and some upper body work this morning.  then tried to get some photos up for you all but unfortunately the shop computers are not cooperating, and neither currently has the working function i need to complete the transition.  so hopefully tomorrow i will havfe some fresh eye candy.  until then i trust you will keep voting.  great first day with over a hundred visits to the page, after falling off a bit in my deliquency.  so now me eyes are heavy, got to return to work tomorrow.  will go home, sit on something soft, and catch some rest.

7/29/05

few, when i started this it was yesterday! damn.  have had a lot to catch up on here at piratedh.com in case you hadn't noticed.  continuing to try and get the page layout working swell, but explorer is a bitch just like bill gates so i am done, no more.  please look into mozilla i highly reccomend it.  in other new i have been stressing over making updates here.  no internet in my new apartment, no more working in mac town (our shop closed in case you hand't heard) leaving me no real chill time before-after-or during work to update, and the internet in a town has been on the skids.  anyhow it is working tonight and i am pirating the time as i suspect i will be for the forseeablew future.  my roommate and i have agreed to keep the internet out, along with digital clocks, t.v., microwaves, and cell phones so as to keep the aliens at bay.  so far so good.  this week actually saw my dirt bike get reassembled and started up.  i was way too nervous to believe it until i really rode the thing.  on wednesday went for an all day epic in mckinleyville with my long time brother taylor and sean and fritz for the second half.  was great.  kinda frightening at first, but by the end my confidence was growing and i did not want to stop.  very addicting the power of that throttle.  unfortunately sean convinced me to trade him bikes for a minute and i promptly snapped the chain on his ktm putting an end to our ride while they were still just getting warmed up.  that was ok cause i needed to rest up for todays dirt jump jam at our safe way track in eureka,  big good stuff.  i am a huge fan.  been two weeks in a row now that we have drawn people out there and got them riding, watching, and just generally stoked.  great to see people progressing, pushing themselves, and having fun doing it.  got a lot of footage today for the upcoming gravity pirates movie.  more pictures too.  just got the ones up from last week along with a two week old mckinleyville session that was super dope.  so please come out and join the jumping fun, looks like every tuesday and thursday night will be some sort of jump jam.  don't be afraid  you'll like it.  the downtown dh is approaching... "i still don't know much about it" wink wink, but details may be surfacing soon.  just keep the 28th clear during the am and we'll be fine.  think critical mass but with downhill rigs and you will help make my humble dream come true.  till later

7/23/05
today i pray will end the saga of the dulled dirt bike, knocking on wood.  rode into eureka this morning to pick up the proper oil seal from richard miller.  got to visits with the t's for a brief bit, climbed a tree house, and rode a swing.  then jammed back to arcata to pick up the end of the saturday shop shift.  with the seal now in my possesion i hope to have my bike assembled tonight and we shall see if she wants to fire up.  i ask you all to pray for us as the further occupation of my mind with ths task is a troubling possibility.  then i may join the red bull trooper for some night shuttling on the couch trail, hopefully being brushed out as i type.  yesterday evening was spent at the bmx track with my pal taylor.  hammered for a bit and then just worked on some new lines.  was able to pull off several maneuvers i had not conquered before and that always leaves one feeling great.  then went home, sorted pictures, cleaned house, and visited with some very drunk pals.  don't see any reason to stop riding every day as i have been, feels good.

7/22/05
well today is my last evening in the mac town shop ever...  feeling strangely fine though after a serious dirt jump session yesterday.  spent pretty much all day at our jumps behind safeway eureka.  did a bit of digging and a whole lotta ripping.  by the evening lots of folks were there riding and watching.  everyone got pumped and we just let it rip.  saw some new lines, some new moves that blew me away.  got a lot of pics and some video that i hope to throw up soon.  so any of you jumpin freaks want to get in on the shredding next week aim for thursday afternoon, talk to me, and we'll see you on the trails.

7/16/05

well the week has almost passed and things are almost back to normal.  with the exception of a very low key 22nd birthday it has been chill and relatively relaxed.  have gotten some good riding time in, over fifty miles on the road bike, and probably mor then half that on the dirt jumped between commuting and jumping.  had a hard time early in the week as my right arm was still suffering from severe i.v. bruising but feeling better now, though still not up to push ups and curls.  the dh bike is down with a blown shock due to some big boosting to flat, that's what i get for trying to impress curtis.  so been rocking the hard tail.  ripping the lost cause quite a bit, and with just a rear brake and 1.5" slick tire on back it is forced drift training to be sure, stopping isn't really an option.  being without truck, as mine got wrecked if you hadn't heard, is great but after riding all week it was hard to motivate for another ride to work today.  but i made it and now look forward to a mellow afternoon in mac where i will begin dismantiling this beautiful shop that the community has failed to embrace.  haven't lifted a finger on the news paper for amost three weeks, much less stress, and aside from thinking what others might say i could care less about picking it up again.  the extra income was nice but i am too selfish with my time to report on general news, i just don't care.  let me write fiction, opinion, or report on bikes, that's about all i want.  so forget the money riding everyday after work is more important to me right now.  the one thorn in my side is the dirt bike.  the fucker hasn't been running for months.  i am now on my third try to get the proper parts from richard miller and hope that i can make it happen before the month is out.  i have gotten so much advice it frustrates me, the current part i am addressing i think will be of no consequence, but the bike is in pieces so i gotta follow through.  someday it will run again and hopefully be low maintenance.  it is such good training i don't want to give it up, but i hardly think it is worth the headache at this point.  so i go on dirt jumping in the meantime, planning to throw together a faith demo bike here in the next week and start rocking that downhill.  maybe i can make it to an event this summer, but i am more focused on simply not letting up with the riding until next so i can seriously compete on the circuit.

7/11/05
well today, aside from massive i.v. bruising on my right arm, i am feeling quite good.  after a week of detoxification my head is in a place it hasn't been for some time.  been eating not much more then fish, vegetables, and noodles.  simply happy today and that makes me a good worker.  amazing how chemicals can pull your head away from where it should be, after a week like this i start remembering feelings, thoughts and sensations that i knew well as a boy.  these are wonderful and slip away too easily in the hectic and unfamiliar lives we live.  i did not realize how much my life has been on hold the last few months, and how much that can account for troubles and doubts i have been having.  the gift of supporting myself, paying for my roof, paying for the simple food which is necessary and not taking anything more has brought me into a wonderful place.  the ability to come home from work, and have it be home, a place that i want to stay and keep up, rather then one which i wish to bounce from as quickly and stealthily as possible, has begun to refresh my motivation.  soon i hope to be back to full strength and pursuing projects that will bring joy to myself and many others.  tonight though we dirt jump in mac town, free and easy that is what it is all about, and that is what i am feeling as i cruise town with the Burley ball and chain trailer that slows the bike and liberates the time and mind.  like some hippy idealist riding their clothes to the river for washing am i, and it is good.

7/10/05
i wish to apologize for the lack of updates and the retardaion of the photo contest.  i suffered a bit of an acident this week.  to make a long and embarrasing story short... the night of july fourth i set out to get rowdy and reckless.  me and several mates killed a very large bottle of SKY in about thirty minutes.  at which point we decided to jet across town to see the fireworks at healtsport and meet some folks.  i was not to be deprived of my bike so i took off ahead.  from which point i remember nothing.  eyewitnesses placed me at the plaza at a about ten oclock, i had left home at about 9:30.  they said i did not recognize familiar faces and was riding circles around mckinley for several minutes before i tipsily rode off.  at ten forty some one found me crashed out in the cross winds flower garden.  the police and ambulance were called.  i was rushed to the e.r. with head trauma and severe lacerations on my face.  i spent the night in i.c.u. where i was cunvulsing and vomiting uncontrolably.  i could not be woken up and spent nearly twelve hours strapped to a back board with tubes everywhere imaginable.  i came around the next morning at about nine am and was released at about eleven, naked and ill.  this was my second ambulance ride this year and an almost identical experience to one i suffered in santa cruz in 2003.  this has changed many things, it has awoken many things, and i must react to this.  i am doing better now and almost look normal again.  i promise to have fresh photo contest round up tomorrow.  thanks for the patience and caring.

6/25/05
the past two days in the shop have been absolutely dismal, all of my lingering loyalties to the mac town shop making it are washed away, i am ready to move on where the people need us.  bored and how, plus i was up super late last night drinking beer and playing pool.  felt worked this morning.  after a giant jug of orange juice and one of cranberry juice i am feeling better, now just got to try and stay there.  gonna go see an old friend get married after work and then try to get some writing done, just wiped and want things to settle down outside the shop and pick up in it.

6/24/05
i know the answer to many of our woes is how toxic we allow our bodies to become, dosed by drugs in everything from dubbies to beer to fast food.  today i am feeling particularly toxic and cannot muster much of anything.  cannot even imagine riding race pace right now, that is how far i have fallen.  it comes back quick but first you've got to push through the dimensia that comes with detox.

6/23/05

few things in life are certain, this is a farse.  most things in life are if we humans were not such confused and fallen creatures, i refuse to believe that anyone, no matter how derranged, does not feel gut instincts, these are what is certain.  if more time could be spent trusting these and less trying to trick ourselves to pursue selfish and greedy paths we would be much better off.  why can it be so hard to follow good advice?  why do the pure paths seem less then absolute?  why do we justify acts which we know would be distasteful to ourselves were the tables turned?  these problems stem from misallocated energies, devoted to pursuits and ways that are very contrary to our design.  for thousands of years humans have observed their environment and one another, finding truths and laws that bind our universe and direct our souls.  these pure truths are shared by any major religion in history, yet man desires to put things his own way, to twist it just enough to call it 'his truth', to debate over details which are of no significance when all are born with the innate answers.  why do we as a society believe that the only true truth is yet to be found, that science's penetration of matter and the mind is all that can settle things once and for all?  when in fact the truths present themselves daily, they are all around preaching with each action, yet we humans are so bold as to deny such.  i have a good friend, one that people laugh at, one that people glaze over to ignore, one that speaks such truth i witness nearly all shut down in his presence to keep from realizing and changing.  it is painful to watch this, i am sure we have all seen it, and i am sure we have all practiced this cool rejection.  living in a world with barriers open for debate means remorse and morals are also debatable.  yesterday was the solstice, the first day of summer, and with it the sun moved into cancer.  most people i have associated with give little stock to astrological study, they are wrong.  for those who are aware of their cycles the heavenly bodies inact such forces of change that the results are undeniable.  it is just about four am now and i am feeling quite stimulated, it is simply the sun and the moon, the last time this occured i was deep in contemplation and moving out of the house of darkness, tonight i am again contemplative and moving into, what i hope to be, a temple of solitude.  It is not yet up to me to show others the way, ought but by example, i just pray that mankind will learn to go with their gut and not their greed.

6/22/05

yesterday, after a night of bubbly in the new place, began the move in.  a trip to salvation army and my bosses garage later we have a pretty good start to furnishing out place.  amazed how much crap it takes to fill in a place "comfortably".  just inspires me to get working on my hobbit hut, soon enough.  for now this will be good.  gonna be an interesting adventure living with a roommate again who has no true shared passions and plenty of like friends.  hope we can remain at peace and productive.  definitely exciting, also got my truck checked out at joe melloes yesterday, preparing to sell the old tool and move back to biking/busing exclusively.  was a wonderful feeeling yesterday while the auto was at the shop just running errands on two wheels, much more my pace, more spontaneous and at the same time more relaxed.  very soon i anticipate being able to return to the moment full time, been months with preoccupation and planning shit, the rest of summer will be much more care free, i promise.

6/20/05

i wasn't going to write anything here, didn't want to be a whiner but i've got to purge.  rode like a complacent pussy that's all there is too it.  don't mean to be a sore loser, but i am fiercly competitive when it comes down to it, and i have high expectations for myself.  when i fall short of those expectations i become very incensed, don't take me the wrong way, the only person i am mad at is myself.  dug my own grave, wasn't prepared, didn't respect my competition, broke every bit of my pre race code, wasn't even going to go till i saw the hypocrisy in that after soliciting aid this season.  we all need our cages rattled once in awhile, stop letting people pat you on the back.  made a full on fool of myself, riding like a flower afraid of being picked.  leaves only one option, expect to be quite enraged and worked up this next week as i get my head on straight and move into my new place, but that is what is takes.

6/18/05
days like this i get angry that there are so many people that care about me, and that i care about all of them back.  time suckerzzzz, like for examply spending time with family tonight at a celebratory dinner for my bros graduation, sure it was nice and all, but after a full day of work and that engagement i found myself working until nearly 2 am this morning prepping bikes for the muddy bigfoot in a few hours.  not the way it should be, i should have someone prepping them for me or have them done way ahead of time so i can sleep!  just wrong, the more i think on it the angrier i get, so i will stop.  wish stopping caring was as easy, stop caring about my job so i don't check in at ten thirty pm and finish two left over repairs before i start my shit.  wrong.  unfortunately my not always puntual roommate to be would not get out of bed this morning and he did not have his funds in order so we won't be moving ino our new place this weekend.  have to wait until monday and then begin the switch.  i am looking forward to having my own space without the distracting obligation of family, though i am less and less sure that my livign partner will provide the peace i desire.  so now i gotta try to sleep so i can ride well in a wee bit.

6/15/05
sometimes its not until you forget your in the cave that you find the light at the end of the tunnel.  after finding myself constantly wound, snapping, and rewounding i just deciced it was time to let go.  on the way to the docs on monday i talked myself into hanging it up till next season.  i was ready to change, was changing, planning how i could keep my weight managed by drinking and not budgeting for meals...  then as my pulse raced and my eyes darted around his office frantically my concerns were rendered unnecessary.  i expected to hear that i had reinjured my back beyond repair, to hear that i had made things much worse, that if i didn't stop riding there would be no going back.  instead i heard that all is going well, things are healing, and to keep rehabing.  i was straight up and told him i was quite active on the bike and had taken some hits, this considered the progress is pretty miraculous to me.  so i walked out pumped but quite confused having lost all hope and then regained it.  now i am planning to compete in the bigfoot this weekend, only problem is i haven't been training for over two weeks and i crushed much of my confidence.  so i am trying to quickly shake off the rust and the bull shit this week and hope i can get it together by sunday.  the housing search is actually promising as well, think it will resove itself this week.  also pushing up my stoked meter was this weeks issue of the advocate.  after not having room for my article last week i was pretty disillusioned with the process, got real upity like 'who are they to turn down MY work!'.  but i busted ass this week, did a bunch of interviews, a bunch of research, a bunch of time taking photos, transcribing interviews, editing and writing.  it concluded sunday night after i clocked out of the shop, went straight home and put in nearly seven straight hours polishing it all up.  yesterday it payed off big time as all three of my submissions this week went to print including at least six photos!  so elated i was jumping and pumping my arms, quite gratifying, not to mention the pay check it will create.  people always told me i could make money for the writing i was doing all the time, but i never believed it could work like that.  almost feel bad about it until i look at all the hours i put into it, so pay per hour ain't that great but it is still coin for words and that is cool.  yesterday spent the afternoon on lord ellis for the first time in two years.  we finished brushing out the dh, with some new lines that are simply sick.  christmas prairie looks to be quite the challenge as always.  not just a trail you can wing and expect to win, gonna take some serious break down and pacing.  gonna push me, i know that much.

 6/9/05

at three something in the morn i am fadeeeeed.....  tomorrow is off, so what?  gotta apply for ahouse and that is it!  after that who knows what...  as wet as it is i don't know.  at the moment i am flailing.  sent a branch out to a long lost one that i miss, how much more hopeless can you get.  as we used to day 'fifths are dumb' and i astill believe such. me and one fella made short work of it tonight, not nearly enough to cause trouble, yet just enought to stir up unrest.  like i said i am thinking of the one lost...  not sure what is to come, be it training or jumping, or courting... 

6/8/05

time to bith and whine so don't read if you don't want to hear...  yesterday was a very bad day off.  started off getting up, feeling shitty, and rolled out to a ct scan appointment in e town.  got off to a bad start by going to the wrong hospital.  so i was late, but it flowed fine and the scan tech was super cool.  he showed me his control panel and how to manipulate the machine.  then i got to look at some of the films and saw a gaping fracture in an unlabled vertebrae.  i am not sure, but it looked worse, at least no better.  i have been riding hard, and have taken some serious diggers.  nothing broken, just hard impacts.  been feeling not too bad considering that i don't have any pain meds left.  but the prospect of the doc telling me next week that i have held back any healing is a nasty one.  trying to prepare myself for that news and the need to hand up the rigs for months, but i just can't do it.  i am so defined by my competitive pursuits i lose everything if i can't "train".  i would have to fall into substance statia to pass the time while i couldn't do what i wanted.  i really want to hit the bigfoot but i just don't know if it is in the cards.  not to mention that the house hunt has pulled me away from riding so i am not ready like i want to be.  have to get pissed to make this transfer happen, as i wrote to my brother, complacent contentment will get me nowhere.  so the dirt bike work was a bust, wrenched till almost one last night, still nothing.  going out on a limb and replacing an oil seal which will take a week to get here, so until then the bike is gutted in my garage.  after i got stopped on the bike i went to go and finish cleaning my back yard jumps for the one last hit, only to find that ex step dad had already begun to fill in the bonzais and had removed the second landing.  it was supposed to be left to me, but the lifeless over active busy body just couldn't wait two more weeks.  i had every intention of completely cleaning the row to level ground after hitting them just once, instead it feels as if someone has spit in my face.  wiped there feet on hours of labor and careful sculpting.  so i am over it, over the jumps, over the house, over the fucked up dynamic between the adults.  not going to lift another finger except to get out.  time to be detached, from both my folks, as i hear only cope outs  when it comes to fatherly obligations.  not happy with the decisions my famliy has made, i forgive, obviously no one is perfect, but damn, unrest and uncertainty.

6/7/05

i am at a fucking loss, pissed and not sure what i am going to do with it.  completely aimless now on my day off.  tryed to tune up my dirt bike and it has turned into a complete disaster, i hate that fucking thing.  never ask me to work on internal combusiton again.  pulled the carb out and found, not only a striped out screw holding the throttle cap on, but also some serious corrosion on the inside slider that i am sure is going to be costly.  i have no fucking clue and no fucking money.  so basically i am screwed, can't take it anywhere in the shape it is in, so it is going to sit there for days getting dirt in the parts that should not get dirty.  now i don't know what to do, after a failed mission like that i can't bring myself to do shit, was gonna ride the road bike hard but now i don't care.  don't feel like doing anything except getting faded, but i know that will only make me more angry.

6/6/05

been a day behind for days, can't seem to catch up.  neen writing '6/5' all day.  blah, so today is my funky friday of sorts, kinda sucks to be honest, growing tired of the split weekend during the week nonsense, though it does keep me out of trouble, though also out of play.  have rediscovered my love of pints as my friend is working the east side deli where they sell such fare.  though i don't love the tired listlessness that now comes over me.  with multiple messages form buds and me not giving a shit, just wanting to roll over and sleep.  just want to get the housing issue resolved.  aside from that i am stoked the photo cxontest is rolling and getting hits, pissed the advocate dissed my most recent effort, running out of time and penergy to pursue all that i have been, and not sure what i will do with myself for the rest of the summer if the prospect of racing dwindles.  just another worthless worker.  fucked.

13 minutes till 6/05
nearly popping, so much running on tight terms.  i know i have said it but allow me to regurgitate once more.  tonight reluctantly went to the crabs game on assignment for the paper.  wasn't into it but it wasn't long until i was swept up into the excitement of it all, not to mention being swept into the dugout.  got some great pictures and great interviews and found a story that i wasn't planning to find.  now i am very excited about writing my first piece on the team and very excited to go back and add to my profile file.  aside from that i gotta finish up promo pieces for outlaw and team bigfoot comps coming up in two weeks.  gotta get my dirt bike tuned up and moved out within the same time frame.  gotta figure out how i am gonna get off work to compete in the bigfoot classic.  gotta get a ct scan next week and see the neuro the nest week, and pray he doesn't board me.  gotta find a house to live in within two weeks.  gotta get money for it, and gotta move into it.  gotta hang my truck up someplace safe cause i don't want to pay to keep it insured and registered.  gotta pay the edd department big money.  gotta pay a traffic ticket.  gotta work hard and make mac town shop some money.  gotta keep the band motivated and keep my drums sacred.  gotta finish my back yard jumps and hit em before i move.  gotta dig and ride safe way eureka cause it is dope.  gotta train with some miles, cause i haven't the last two weeks.  gotta get to hoopa for dh training cause i am a puss and i need to push it.  gotta lift the weights more cause i am weak.  gotta build the photo contest and set that rollin.  gotta figure out how to get pirate dh some more money and some more volunteers.  and gotta figure out how to get sleep.  now that is just the next two weeks.  shit.

6/04/05 late
after work tonight, jetted to the bmx track.  jammed some laps, felt good, though i was panting but that is enevitable.  always fun there, and always fun to watch the wee ones shred so.  then bopped to the safeway jumps, hit them up for the first time tonight in their revised format.  was good.  hapgood and hank showed up as i was about to hit em the second time, i didn't want to dally too long so i jumped right back down, hank followed right on me and brian right on him.  and what do you know brian hit it right off no thinking no looking, camelback and all.  he seems to be feeling much better, stoked to see him mobbing once more.  the jumps definitely get my seal of approval, though in hindsight i always think bigger would have been better, but as they are they are big and they are effortless.  tons of float and little work.  hard to beat that.  lines are multiplying rapidly too, soon it will be a air addicts heaven.  after that it was pretty much bed time, so i cruised home planning to write an article or two, but instead revised the web page format and accpeted a bunch more photo submissions.  i am excited about going live with it next week, be interesting to see how much voting participation there is.  so now it is dawnish and i should sleep, though i don't want to.  but i have to work on the fuckig weekends and i have to go to a fucking crabs game tomorrow night for a profile in the paper.  no freaking time, and time running out to find a house.  but if clothed are the lillies of the field, so will i be.  and if my garments are hals as striking i will consider myself lucky.  i am including an intro to one of our musicians in this entry.  the violin virtuoso, blake ritter.  incredibly talented and works at it continualy.  the sound bite here is him maybe half steam.  always amazing, not always easy to play with, but a nice guy.  aside ffrom the odd violent outburst when the pot boils over he is alright.

Practice Tune

6/1/05
tonight i hosted my first xc group ride.  although at the end of the day i though no one would show, and it was honestly the last thing i wanted to do, it worked out.  i know it will be good for all involved...
" As Justin said it would be a mellow pace suitable for beginners, so it was.  There were five
of us this evening.  The pace was fast enough to enjoy the ride but mellow enough for my
12 year old stepson Sterling to keep up.  He's no speed demon but can ride well enough to
get there eventually.  We rode for an hour and a half and covered a nice mix of logging
roads and excellent single track.  The trails are drying out nicely and there was only a
couple muddy spots.  If you're itching to get out for a socially paced ride and enjoy the
trails without feeling like hurling, Justin's Wednesday evening ride is the one.  I'm pretty
sure he plans on hosting another next week.  Thank you Justin!

Tim"

5/31/05
boy am i lost, and not just because i only slept two and a half hours yesterday.  soon to be ex step dad out in the front yard tilling up the gone wild garden, mom making herself scarce, and me sitting inside not knowing what to say to who and trying to decide how to tell my best friend that i don't want to live with him, along with trying to find an actual place to live.  gonna be an interesting month.

10 till 5/28/05
not too much i feel like conveying today.  just got all kinds of schemes, hopes, and dreams.  only problem is my back spasms everytime i see someone crash in the vids.  looking forward to getting lots of drop this weekend.  can't say what i am really feeling.  just tired, been on the feet all day and i am sore.  busted on repairs today, turning things around that should have taken days.  just waiting for that good karma to catch up.  thought i could pull off replacing a free hub on my bullit tonight, yeah right.  didn't happen thanks to piece of shit shimano.  but i lubed it up and got er done.  it will be fine me thinks.  then gave it a coat of lemon freshness and it is ready for the mountain.  wish i could shine up as easy.  someday.  to bed now, pack in the morn and roll out.  be on the mountain in 36 hours and counting,  hooey!

oh shit!, Graves Log Topped the Hit List This Month.  Viewed Nearly Four Hundred Times.  Jesus Help Me...
5/27/02 the stroke of
the irony has nearly turned me to sullen sorrow and acts of aggression the last two days.  the irony that the most frightening hit to my back came while going to the movies.  i am quite ready to move beyond this challenge.  it is in my thoughts daily, and most disturbing when i look upon obstacles on the trail.  i have had other equally and more debilitating injuries, and once they are memories all is well, i am ready to retire this one to such a fate in the files.  but with an appointment to face the music in two weeks my stomach churns.  i cannot allow myself to atrophy, had that been the case i would be sitting stagnant in the expert class and not pushing myself whatsoever.  even if this acceleration has come at the cost of a slow recovery i would not change it.  the alternative is a place i do not want to be.  so my back has been hurting quite poingnantly the last two days, and in very much the wrong spot (or the right spot if you are an evil twist of fate).  the vicadin supply ran out days ago, so the pain is now very tangible, as are daily annoyances.  find myself flying off the handle quite frequintly.  nothing too serious, simply good motivation.  i did read somewhere that the sudden lack of narcotics maninfests in shortness of breath, so i hope the explanation for my perpetual gasping is that simple.  this breathing ailment is now quite apparent and quite distracting at times.  but i press on.  today did some quality training on the lost.  finding no satisfaction, and finding satisfaction only in that.  seeking further perfection, fluidity, and speed.  the faster i go the slower it seems i am traveling and the more room for minute improvement there becomes.  though i can't shake the feeling that i am crawling, which i should not shake because in relation to the likes of many i am but a sluggish booger, though i do concede that i am seeing and doing things that were inconceivable to me a year ago.  i am very much looking forward to getting back on the bigfoot course come june, too bad it doesn't fall on my birthday this year.  going to shoot for winning every event including xc, dh, super d and short track.  but as i look for housing i am beginning to foster doubts as to whether i will be able to race any nationals this season.  would be looking at about two hundred dollars in reg fees alone, to race dh and super d, plus gas and food.  could sleep in the front of my truck again and will, so i will have to start saving, plan to throw all my hum. advocate checks in that fund and hope i can scrap by.  plus hound j. brown to come through on his tease of getting a demo dh rig for the season, which would alleviate my fears of charging the undergunned bullit in idaho.  finished photos for my brothers slideshow, it was quite annoying come the end.  he is seldom present in the moment, seldom exciting, seldom self motivated, and rarely surprising.  though it does happen from time to time and i assume the duty to wait those moments out.  then had band practice, this round was quite fantastic.  everyone was sharp and on cue.  we laid down live recordings, with which we will record individual tracks next week.  look forward to that, as the live recording sounded good and the next step will sound great.  obviously i am somewhat biased but it is quality music.  no labels for it yet, i'll let you be the judge soon enough.  the trip to canada is a go, will be leaving saturday morning, meeting some aussies and riding whistler, then returning home tuesday morn.  quite an exciting adventure.  so i will attempt to make one more entry before i leave and have something of jed's interview for the reading.
peace

5/25/05
"my life be like... it's times like these that make me say lord if you see me please come my way, leaving bread crumbs for when i stray..." the grits... 
i am in bad sorts, seeking to find solice in solitude to avoid the entrapments of hypocrisy.  it is 12:37am and i have just ridden my bike home from arcata, thouroughly disgusted with myself and far more disgusted with my associates, who have wasted my time once too much.  tonight is the beginning of the first real weekend (free of work or races) in some time.  so decided to get a bit loose and go see the new star wars.  first time i have touched liqour since january.  mid movie i scrambled to the bathroom, a piss mission i swore i would not make.  mid piss, panting to catch my breath from the dash down the isle, head resting on the wall above the urinal, i blacked out.  came to on the floor, drawers down, took some time to gather myself, got up and finished my business, then back to my seat gone longer then i had hoped.  my back is still sore from the fall, seems it was pretty abrupt.  fucking ridiculous.  and to boot i was embarrassed to be with the kids i was with.  they were fools.  the movie may have not been a masterpiece, and i will not go into a review here, but it did move me throughout and i found many themes very personaly touching.  they were fucking fools, and at this moment i hate them and would not be saddened if i never saw any of them again.  no concept of devotion and sacrifice, pompose arrogant fucks.  so i let them leave without me, returned to my friends house, went in the back door, grabbed my things, and rode home, saying but three words to those roommates i crossed paths with who were not at the film and did not look upon the others.  a waste of my time.  aside from the poor company and sadly intoxicated frame, the film gave me new resolve and i found it quite engaging.  i know not if i will see it again simplply due to its tragic content, but i am glad i took it in, though sad i was with the fucking degenerate apes that i was with.  i think that gives the jist, so i am going to canada this weekend to further my jedi training, and just say fuck all those who have relegated themselves to comminality, not to mention i bought the bottles, with my rarte dollars, that they sucked down like thirsty hyenas.  disgusted my the puss i have associated with.

 5/24/05
First thing is first, if you haven't heard, and i know some haven't.  The ringer who stepped up and demoralized the field at this weeks Arcata Criterium, Dave Fuentes, is not just an ex pro.  He is a pro currently serving a 2 year suspension for doping.  He tested positive for steroids and is currently banned from any USCF events.  Since TeamBigfoot isn't that he was able to come and grab some schwag.  This has ignited righteous anger in many, and a fund has been started to buy Wes Swaffer, good kid who got second, a new wheelset cause he needs and deserves it.
Last night we had a blah band practice, it pretty much blew.  people had flaked for one reason or another the week before, and we underestimated had rusty we had quickly become.  played a couple songs slowed then ever.  by the end we played our tunes through pretty flawlessly and they sounded good.  but we were only down for less then an hour and a half and i could tell nobody was into it.  i am starting to feel tensions, people having differernt ideas, people verging on blurting out "i do't want to play that crap, we should do it like this!".  i am holding my tongue for now and hoping things get better because i truly thinnk we have developed some good music, but it is summer, and while the other gys say they now have more time to work on the band etc, i don't see that.  i see them cutting loose and letting themselves go.  after i got out as quick as i could, went to see my bro at the east side deli.  bought a couple pints and scanned the papers for places to live.  we are supposed to be rooming together but he has to pay junes rent on his current lease and that is driving me mad, hes anxious to do something, but doesn't realize that means putting down money asap!  so pretty much spinning my wheels.  it was the first beers i had sipped in over a month, as i sipped on the honey brown fat tire nectar i began to feel the thirst, and began to feel the stuff work on my head.  caught a good buzz, went to sit in my truck for him to close up, somehow decided to listen to beastie boys for the first time in a year, surprised i could still rap along with it all, even amidst the car swerving around me.  goofy, then i resisted staying up and fading with the boys (had only slept 3 hours the night before working on my first article) went home and passed out.

5/22/05 - an interesting amount of lycra has invaded the front page, haha

how sweet it is.  specially when it has been really sour, then the sweet is like an I.V. of honey plugged straight into the brain.  Sitting down at the computer, mucgh later then planned, due to being sucked into Star Wars Episode II on TV.  Damn the box, I swear in my new place I will not plug the TV into anything but bicycle DVDS.  Just got all the media in order from todays Criterium, and am about to begin my first writing assignment for the advocate, but had some things not worthy of print that I wanted to get out here, and just get my thoughts in order a bit.  It was fun and frsh playing reporter today.  got some awesome interviews and sound bites as well as some great pictures.  You can look for those and a writeup on the site (I love anthony Kahn, and his sounds bites put a huge smile on my face, I just can't get enough of him) even though a road racing criterium doesn't exactly fall under the gravity pirate theme.  That is my first point.  Today was fantastic, but as I thought about it this evening I am upset and dissappointed that I was the only gravity goon in attendance.  Lamo!  I understand if competing in a foreign event like today's, and paying money to get whooped, isn't what most downhillers want to do with their sunday morning.  My beef is that I see us, all competive cyclists with a measure of dedication to the sport, as ambassadors with a duty.  Maybe I am a weirdo cause I get off on riding ANYTHING with two wheels, but I feel strongly thatit is the time and place for our generation to gwet people excited about outdoor activity and rally around alternate transpo.  Today's event was a short course road race through the downtown streets of Arcata California, what better stage to show the enthusiasm, energy, and supportive atmosphere that our cycling commuinty should and could have.  Had half of this years pirates been there to simply make a little noise, we would have shook half the town down and really showed poeple what an exciting thing it is to have bicycle racing as a public event.  I am not asking you to come out and start racing xc to boost rider count, simply to take every available opportunity to bear witness to what a fantastic sport we are involved in and what wonderful vehicles and toys bicycles are.
That said the event was a blast, regardless of who was running it, or what shop it was in front of.  After a strong weekend last in Monterey (where my laps were just under fifty minutes) I got a little confident in my fitness and decided I could go and charge with the big boys this weekend.  Stayed at the shop way late last night (doing a last minute for nightmare repair for the special recycling dude Jerry) and setting up my bikes.  Got plenty of rest but i was under hydrated and had not spun my legs out before like I had hoped.  plus I have been having this fish out of water syndrome, most likely along the lines of asthma, had it last summer too.  maybe something to do with allergies or simply (well probably definitely somewhat related) lung abuse for a couple of years.  anyhow, showed up and prepped for the fat tire crit.  only had five boys, and really only three, myself - Ken House - and the mystery man Dave Fuentes.  we took off, strangely slow start, and cruised a couple of laps pretty quick, still a lot of soft pedaling though.  after about four I was sick of it.  same shit that burned me out on cross country, I hate waiting, I hate sucking wheels, I hate trying to take advantage of peoples pulls (why i like dh so much, hard from the gun and ride your race, pinned).  So I, foolishly jumped out in front.  Thinking that at the pace that I passed them that I would be gone in no time, I even bunny hopped up onto the sidewalk and back off to show I was no where near serious.  well i did all the work for the next lap, and didn't even have to look back to tell they were right on my wheel.  so i sit up to chill, unfortunately just as victor announces his primpshit lap.  so they both gun it, and i am still recovering, done.  they open a huge gap which I could not close.  managed to stay consistent with Ken, but FireBall Fuentes came on strong and lapped me off.  After getting hurt so bad, I began to think I should change my plans for the fifty minute and drop into the 30 min (as i think of it now i curse J. Brown for his advice to stay and curse myself for listening).  anyway i wasn't ready and the 30 min went without me, was nice not to ride in the rain, but i think i could have actually competed.  instead i waited for the 50 minute, which ballooned at the last minute, into a super stacked filled.  i was praying just to hang on.  again the start was painfully slow, no snapping here.  i stayed with for a bit, but (being that it was my first road race ever)wasted a lot of energy wondering through the pack, falling off wheels, and getting back on.  soon i was off by too much and could do nothing as the gap grew.  i was pinned but could simply not find anymore.  i picked up a berkely kid pretty soon and we corked together (rather I pulled him for four and he pulled me for one).  that was fun and we kept a good pace, but nothing fast enough to stay away from Fuentes the Freak.  So we pulled over and watched the fireworks as Humboldts fastest struggled to stay afloat.  after visiting with my mum and friend Charles for a bit i just decided to jump back in and do laps unitl it was over, hell i hadn't gotten all chi chi'd out for nothing!  that was fun too, got a work out, and was amazed how supportive the crowd was and how many knew my name, it was inspiring.  when we got pulled I had only ridden for 17 minutes, 6.0 miles.  My average speed was 22 miles an hour, pretty good for me, especially with the ascent.  had it not been for Fucking Fuentes I probably could have gone the distance, but my pace was the equivalent of a obese woman with polio.  as ken said after the fat tire crit "it's good to get your ass handed to you now and then".  indeed it is, made me look at my training and riding in a whole new light.  don't care how gifted you are, you can't expect to step into a road race, along with guys who have trained hundreds upon hundreds of miles, with mediocre fitness.  technical skills, what i realized took minutes of my laps in monterey, do nothing for you.  it is simply power and ruthlessness.  i had fun, but have no desire to ever care about a road result.  i am motivated to get stronger so i can mess with guys and have a little fun freaking them out, but i just don't like the racing dynamic, its not me, not pure.  but it was fantastic to see the turn out, fantastic to ride through the streets of arcata car free, and so great to hear the cheers and claps of our community members giving a little respect and gleaning a little enjoyment from/for our suffering.
afterwards i was far form done, i had driven into town that morning with nearly the full quiver, planning for a complete day of training.  had some grub, picked up my bro, and headed to Redwood Acres BMX.  the sun was out, the track was dry, but the wind was whipping.  the first and third straight were great, but did not have the juice or desire to spring into the wind anymore.  worked out for almost two hours, till i was quite spent.  then jammed to arcata to being a photo project with my bro on the jump trail.  Curtis met us at the shop and offered a shuttle up the hill, we gladly excepted.  Curtis Lonn never ceases to amaze me, and I have no choice but to be on his side, at least not against him, for life; for all the caring and support that he has given me.  So just when I think I have ridden every inch of the Arcata Community Forest Curtis opens my eyes.  Takes up way up fickle hill to an entrance I had seen in dreams but never knew existed.  I was wary creeping in, but all was exactly as he said and it worked out beautifully, further solidifying my faith in his knowledge of our hills.  we cruised down and down and down, and then got to the jump trail.  it wasn't too wet either, stoekd i started sessioning and prompting my bro for direction on what shots he needed.  at this point in the day i was fully fed up with him, the shadow gets very old sometimes.  at the track he would go when i go and stop when i stop.  a bit of this is cool, i know it helps him progress, but i need to be me.  then all the stopping and unstrict direction in the forest just burned me out.  plus i was tired, and simply running out of energy.  we got down to the diving board jump which was to be our last shot.  i got up to the top and was about ready to hit it when mad sirens went off in town.  i waited for them to subside, and for the quiet of the woods to resume.  i waited, and waited, and waited.  Probably at least five minutes, all the while starting to think.  I don't like waiting to jump, and i don't like thinking to jump (especially a wrong jump like this one).  soon I was shaken and had shriveled into a mangina on wheels.  rolled up to it a couple of times, but couldn't turn off the voice saying that i just didn't want to do it.  i declined, i was done, just beat.  tired of performing for bro, tired of the camera there, and straight up tired of being on a bike.  so we rolled down and back to town, blah blah blah, now i'm here.  with five hundred or so more words to write and maybe an web update about the crit, unsure about whether i am working or not tomorrow, so i will be up early anyway to go in and find out.  that's that.  i could say more but i won't cause i have already said a lot.  keep your eyes peeled for the Humboldt Advocate this coming week, listen to the Kahn Man's sound bites, and give me a hollar if there are any adventure sports that i should cover.  good night and god bless.

5/21/05

mmm,mmm cold fries just aren't the same, no no.  but the customers come first, even when they are pimple faced piles of dork puss that you have no pity for cause they creep behind the counter, assume its all about them, and dis customers.  managed to stoke him out anyway.  somedays i just feel uber good.  perhaps it is the sun, perhaps that i didn't have to see who i didn't want to see today, or perhaps it was the aptly named laxitive like combo of espresso and coffe that i had this morning, the mudslinger.  at any rate it has been a very productive day, sold two bikes and a bunch of other shit, and that is damn good business.  plus i washed all the windows and walls out front, dusted everything, and i'm not done yet.  one man was absolutely amazed that i was working inside and out.  i credited my fathers training, and explained how cleaning a little bird poo cascaded into simply needing to do it right. finally managed to sneak out for grub at 2:30.  and as i cruised in the sunshine i couldn't help but be thankful for good days and good ways.  then i stepped into mcdonalds for a change of pace, and was snapped out of my happy haze by three customers who combined at over a thousand pounds.  and a lady working the counter who could not even figure out how to ring up a meal, gave me two fries that i didn't want and a tub of soda that i didn't want either.  but i took it in stride and came back to chill and watch my food get cold as folks demanded my attention.  relax for a bit and then spread some more love.

5/21/05 (tomorrow by one minute)

today was good and bad.  just get so fatigued at work, on my feet all day, multitasking between reapairs, sorting out the fudged up bike inventory, organizing stocking the floor, and trying to clean.  think i am just a bit too anal, but i like it that way.  then i had my lunch spoiled by a serious time sucker.  but i made the sale and sent him home with two hundred dollars in accessories, so it was worth the hour of attention.  Friday night, i should be out clubbing right?  Neh.  Drove into arcata to pick up a seat post clamp for a dude who is showing up first thing in the morning, picked my brother up at work (Ray's Food Place), and came home with a missions.  Attacked the back yard for over an hour, first attention I have given my line since I got hurt.  my project is sadly stagnant and overgrown.  Tore up between fifty and hundred pounds of wild radish, i am set on hitting them before we move,  would be a sin not to.  After that i spent the rest of the night cleaning my room, making my bed, folding laundry, and opening important looking mail that had been sitting around for two weeks.  no fun stuff either.  realiazed how much work i have ahead of me to actually move out next month.  took a breath and stepped back from the riding and the digging and the jamming, oh shit i better take care of business!  feeling very weighed down by all my possesions right now, more crap then i have ever had before and i don't like it.  plus i think the truck is ready to quit and the dirt bike needs love that i don't want to give it.  looking around almost all of it would be unnecessary if i wasn't so serious about a professional approach to biking.  the moto would not be a needed training tool, good bye, i could cut down the bicycle count to two, liquidate the enormous stack of tires in my garage, and empty out half my closet of all the gear therein.  such a materialistic pursuit, and i still feel like there is more i need!  will have no choice but to get that under control when i start paying rent, cause my budget will stretch about as far as a nose hair.  one of the good things today was a visit from Shawn of the Humboldt Advocate.  signed some papers that say i am now an official free lance writer.  means i get payed to do what i am doing right now!  plus money for pictures which i take anyway!  I am the Adventure Sports writer for the paper, as well as community commerce, and pretty much whatever else i find time to cover.  the imposition of deadlines will be a fresh twist, but good for me me thinks.  the arcata criterium is my first assignment.  so i will be snagging qoutes and snapping photos and spinning something into five hundred plus words that night as the paper prints on monday.  oh boy.  the other goody is i sent a good bike to a good home, know it will bring much joy and goodness, as i already absorbed some of the excitement.  bikes are good.   ladidaa, now my eyes are drooping and i am already thinking about what the shop needs tomorrow so i am going to shut down now.  But SEND ME PHOTOS FOR THE COMP, six six one sent out some cool gear today, and if you want it send me photos of yourself, that means you MR T.

5/18/05

fucked up...( i gotta stop usgin those words if i wan the highschool kids to be able to see these (my pages are banned from school sites due to content! lol))  masochism...  where do i get off being so rude and wrong, channeling the focus that once drove me to practice a single lay up for two hours and shoot a thousand shots in a day, the same drive that turned me into a partying animal with shady connections to spare when that was a challenge and the key to popularity, this drove me to suffer tonight, sweet suffering.  wrapping up the day at work i was freaking out, unable to decide what i would do with me night.  going right home and tearing down my motorcycle, as i need to, was way to foreboding.  so i decided i would ride.  wanted rig time and could think of only one way to get it, unfortunately i was not thinking straight.  the couch trail.  i drove to the top with my bullit and aimed to shred down, thankfully not timing myself as i thought i might.  the trail was in the worst shape i have seen it since i first rode it over six years ago, no exaggeration.  i was ready for the water, and the trail was a perpetual stream.  but i wasn't ready for the encroaching jungle that brought me to compelte stops countless times, forcing me to dismount and more then once detangle the spears from my bike.  the forest was fighting back, sending its claws into the intruder, striving to reclaim its trail.  my legs are still afire from the nettles, over three hours later.  at the time it wasn't too bad because i had to ford the creek many times, finding myself up to my thighs in rushing water.  it was wrong, there was very little shredding, very little quality time on bike, i was not pleased.  in fact the ride back on the road was the best part.  then i performed a quick change at the shop.  i had left at seven, got back at nine, and headed back out at quarter after.  on the road bike and up the hill.  climbing to my truck at the trail head.  thankfully i talked myself into bringing two small lights, a rear clip on blinker and a led headlamp that did nothing but make me barely visible to oncoming cars.  clad in black knickers and a black wind breaker it seemed like a suicide mission.  thankfully it was a relatively clear night, the many times i did hit small bits of fog i was blind, my headlamp shining back, showing me only my cockpit.  at other times it was so dark i could see absolutely nothing except the pavement under my front wheel.  i had to pussy foot flats and descents because the path was so unclear, had i not checked myself i would have been in the ditch on multiple occasions.  my split at the usual five point five mile mark was almost a minute ahead of my last ascent, despite pussying i was hitting the steeps in the drops and hard.  then i dialed it back as the road got sketchier and my final time lagged quite a bit.  but when i arrived and found my truck where i had left it, alone in the silent wilderness, i had the rush that can only follow severe suffering.  so high for the next moments that i was yelling, jumping, and pumping my arms.  completing the loop was a big deal as i had thought about it for some time.  i started drivign down the hill, but had to stop to get out and hollar and jump some more, and simply soak up the silence and glory of the night.  wrong in so many ways, and holy in so many.  all that matters is that i ride while others are resting.  while others make excuses i rage, while others sit i hammer, this can only lead to one result.  rolling down the hill, with nothing and no one ahead for the night i was overcome with a scary sensation.  the need for companionship gripped me, an overwhelming desire to spend the night with a woman, not even for kicks or pleasure, but just to sleep next to her, to find comfort, care, and a haven from my own pysche.  to qoute a goof friend 'everything is changing'. and in the last two days i have found myself suddenly feeling very vulnerable and wayward, unsure of what is to come next.  at the moment i have no one, by choice.  there is my friend now in town for summer, but he craves a scene that no longer give me satisfaction.  and there is the band, but to spend more time with them outside of practices would be bad for my health and a danger to my direction.  it doesn't help that i shook hands with an old friend tonight at the market, after returning to town at 10:30, and picked up a familiar scent, that associated with a special female.  now my eyes are heavy and my body weary.  i cannot explain more.  remembered as i approached home that my bedding (long over due for a wash) is still wet in the washer awaiting a dry cycle.  so tonight i sleep alone in my sleeping bag, hoping that my dreams are less haunting then recent nights.

5/16/05

wow, '02, what was i thinking.  probably the same hazy state that i am in tonight, after 24 hours of striaght adrenaline, realizing the month is half gone and not knowing how.  the race was awesome, one of the most excellent things i have done in long time.  the company, for the most part, was very nice as well, a great team to be a part of.  i will go into more detial, but i have to work tomorrow, as i was delinquent today, and already squandered all my time on other updates.  so enjoy those, read about peat, and tune back in tomorrow for more details.

5/13/02
just after five in the morn on friday.  all packed up and about to roll out.  meeting the big yellow carpool and teambigfoot, aka Justin and the Crazy Cooks, and heading south for monterey.  No looking back until after 24 hours of straight adrenaline baby!  when i hit the ground three months ago this was the date i was sorry to miss.  now i am back at it and ready to do some damage.  no idea what to expect, very much looking forward to being a part of the cooky team that we are.  think we will be able to rock it a bit, as long as i can find the sudden sixty bucks i owe for my yellow kit...  see y'all monday

5/12/05

mmm,hmm.  with a beauty salon next door i watch the hotty hotties come and go all day.  funny.  some of them are genuinely hot, some are hot because they visit the salon daily.  but they all carry themselves like they know how hot they are with their peroxide conditioned locks and their white escalades in the parking lot.  mommy.

for some incite on semi pro versus pro visit this link to read J. Kirkcaldies response.  http://www.jkgravity.com/php/Replies.php?t_id=14&view=first

5/10/05

can graves catch a break, of course not!  was a having a wonderful day off (despite browns early wake up call to work, followed by pull me off the can call of desmissal) washed some laundry, prepped for a ride, bought some new drumsticks, talked with mr T briefly, hammered up and over fickle hill through freshwater and back to town for a 30 mile work out, saw an old beautiful face at the deli, had a bitchin sandwich, and just felt good.  Then I jumped in the truck to head for some digging in eureka.  Was merging onto 101 south and found myself on a collision course with a CHP cruiser.  rather then brake for the vehicle, which made no effort to avoid me, i accelerated safely in front of him.  not a radical maneuver by any means.  Apparently this peeved him.  We then merged onto the highway and i was steady and straight.  he moves to pass me, i think of my seatbelt (which is off), but assume that he will just blow by with better places to go.  wrong.  he pulls up beside me, paces me for five seconds, and then slows down and pulls behind.  fucking bull shit.  i am done, the lights come on, i now strap on the belt, and (as luck would have it) make a casual attempt to cover up the four fellonies in my truck (not what you are thinking).  The first time i get plulled over in a year and the end of my life as i know it is sitting in my vehicle, for the only time ever, and in plain sight.  Fucked.  so i pull over and of course he saw my duck and dodge, asks me what i was hiding, wants to know where the gun is.  Now this is the wrong part.  I am totally cool and seem to put him at ease, but before I know what's up he has opened my passenger door (which was stupidly unlocked) and is rooting under the seat and then the floor.  perhaps he had probable cause, but i don't think so.  he probably didn't because he didn't take the opportunity to end my life.  instead we made the felonies dissappear and he wrote me an eighty dollar ticket for not wearing my seatbelt.  told me to use my head, "cause that's what it is there for", next time and sent me on my way.  lucky, sure.  punked, yes.  bad timing, most definitely.  unbelievable, oh yeah.  i was able to laugh about it a bit but the intrusion was simply so shocking and wrong that it made me feel sick.  i think god is trying to help straighten me out.  wish he would use other instruments then police.

still5-9
i could be persecuted for what i am about to share with you.  unpracticed and without the knowledge of my band members i recorded some playing last week.  seeing as our bassist flaked out tonight to focus on homework instead, i will publish this protest of over distorted mayhem for the world to hear.  you've got to give some of them about twenty seconds to really get going.  a couple of them just turned into explorations sessions, the first few were warm up covers.  and four of them are pieces of our own songs.  steal them and i will kill you.  not that you could make it out alright from the voice recorder sitting on the stereo behind me.  anyway hope we entertain at least a little bit, have better proofs real soon.
you may want to turn down a bit
In The Garage
Say It Ain't So
Our Song 1
Fist Full Of Sweat (extended version)
Our Song 3
Our Song 4 (halfway jam version)

5/9/05

coming into monday afternoon, out of four days of thoughtlessness.  hoping i feel up to riding the road tomorrow night cause i want to shake off some dust before 24hrs of adrenaline this weekend.  a little concerned about my form, bu i hope i have a decent base to hang on for four laps.  think i scared more then just myself, have had several dudes come and check on me just to make sure i am doing alright.  i think i will make a full recovery, but that first hard stack is just hard.  up in mac, organizing and arranging, getting the store ship shape.  wishing i could go out and dig tonight, but have band practice, not that i don't want to go to band practice.  but band practice two nights a week, and try for two nights of serious riding a week, little time left for diggin.  therefore jed has been out sculpting safeway a lot more then me in the last couple weeks, i want to be there more but i just can't give up ride opportunities to dig.  other then that just praying i can sleep off the neck cramps and anxious for the rain to abate and begin riding hard.  debating if i should keep content of the page focused on locals or broaden out to be of wider interest.
5/8/05 -  this weekend was a bummer.  made a series of rash decisions and it resulted in = giving up an epic road ride that would have left me feeling accomplished and motivated, for a free ride event that was over a hundred miles away, cancelled, and left me racked, sore and addressing sanity.  bombed to ashland, and when i learned the contest was cancelled i was bummed and needed to fill the void some how.  the cost was a bukm out wait for tiffany, who had trekked with me.  and a bad crash while riding impaired.  foolishness, when will it cease.  i scared myself, feeling better today but wondering if i will be ready for 24 hrs of adrenaline next weekend.  hell of a way to celibrate turning semi pro.  now that it is today i see the end of this weekends departure in site and plan to come back even more ready to have fun.  i have to remember tat i can't let myself slip into a complacive and over condifent state of mind while riding, the line is too thin.  charging on the stiff single this weekend, in brain bucket, and sneakers was not conducive to a professional and calculated approach.  instead i was rolling up to a sketchy drop, yelling at people to clear out, talking over my shoulder about the ease of the drop to andrew, going way to slow, with a gear that was way to high to wheelie drop, going oh shit, and burying my face.  changes.

still5/6/05 - just semi resolved (theres that word again) my disability overpayment.  had an appointment to appear before the judge to day, but now it is all fine and the appeals rep i talked to made everything nice and friendly.  such a  relief, now i just gotta sign a two hundred dollar check and all will be square.  the cost of a clean conscience.
5/6/05 (1:35am)
after an absolutely ripping band practice, watched the rock documentary "Dig!".  Very interesting. Then came home and checked up on one thing before bed.  The result just about choked me up, forgive the symantics?  My applied resume for an upgrade to semi pro was accepted.  after ashland and an inspiring day of riding at the lost, plus more then a few nudges,  i just decided it was time to step it up and get my ass handed to me for a bit, only way yo get better right?  start riding with the fast guys.  so rather then go for expert top fives this year in search of that upgrade i just grabbed it and will go for top twenties and better.  basically time to get down to business, this has been my dream for years and now it is tangible.  i know it is not a big deal for some, but for me it is for all my friends who haven't been able to make the sacrifice but have the talent to spare.  and for my grandfather who gave me the gift to believe that i can attain any goal that my heart truly desires.

5/5/05

this is a fantastic photo of yours truly http://outdoorexposure.smugmug.com/gallery/512231/4/21257202
told you i was power wheelying out of the rock garden!

still5/4/05

in correspondence with the pro photo guy from thaw i received these two unsolicited compliments.

"Hi Justin,
I am still uploading the downhill photos, so keep checking back.  Great ride
by the way.  You were smokin'.
"I will post them both.  They should all be up by tomorrow morning.  I think
you are the guy that went through the rock garden so fast that you moved one
of the buried boulders about three inches."
5/4/05 "if you make yourself more then just a man, if you devote yourself to an ideal, you become something else entirely."

liam neeson-Batman Begins

still5/3
my riding is like a sci fi movie these days.  i think i figured it out today as i shredded the lost (quite literally ripped new lines into the dirt where they needed to be).  i have seen the worst, been far beyond the bounds of out of control, and as that moment lives forever in my mind all other consequences seem minor.  simply wash outs, lay downs, or spills.  today i did things on a bike i never even knew could be done.  this helped overcome some depression due to last night's band session.  i love the band, helps keep me rounded, if it wasn't for the band i would be riding my bike twenty four seven, then again if it wasn't for the band i would be riding my bike twenty four seven.  i attribute much to the aforementioned mind expansion and a hell of a lot to my fox fork.  simply the most amazing piece of equipment i have ever ridden.  now that i am learning to use it there seem to be very few bounds.  the ability of ts valving to absorb micro hits  while ramping up like no other fork ever.  allowing me to punch lips and ride the front end like a fool.  it tracks so well that i can pretty much flick the bike anywhere.  there is no bottom and no ejection, just flow.  after my sess i decided it was time to renew and step up, waste no more time, i need motivation, my petition is in, now i wait.  and in the meantime subject you to this little ditty sung to the tune of Harry Nilsson's masterpiece.
"me and my bullit, we shred don't you know it,
wherever we go every one gets, that it's me and my bullit
me and my bullit, i flick and i throw it
it's me and my bullit..."

 5/3/05
as i sit here on my day off working on nice updates i verge on beating myself up for not being out working out yet as 11:30 am creeps on.  then i realize that this is kinda my job, working outta home you know.  if i play my cards right it could be, and i will have plenty of time to work out after "work"  now that the sun stays with us so long.  and if a professional representation ofthis weekends race makes those who missed it wish they hadn't then my duty has been done.  Keep the dream alive.
So anyway The Ashland trip was just the fun I needed to kick off my spring.  though we were only in town for twenty four hours we spent most of that on our bikes and had a great time.  rolled in to town and straight up the hill, met the Rhalls, Jon Martin, and Joe Joerger, snuck in two quick runs and then rolled to the biker bash for registration.  Got there a couple minutes too late and I was cussing as they refused to let me sign up, pissed that my pre race routine had been shaken.  Then we caught up with Matt and Shawn Cole, chatted, got the unfortunate news that Tim Windbigler had crashed and broken ribs that day.  Then Jed and I headed for the quarry to scope the Chutes and Ladders course.  Found it to be quite big and quite promising, took some pictures to study, hiked the thing, and headed back into town.  Assaulted the streets of Ashland for an hour, ate some Subway, rolled back up the hill to get our sleeping bags, then back down to crash on the floor of Matt, Shawn, and Tim's hotel room at the MANOR.  I slept well and woke up on time ready to get to it.  Had some snacks and rolled up the hill, some of the hirst there.  Signed up, since I was late I got a sharpy number plate (that pissed me off a little too) but I made every effort to be gracious as those running the event did a great job.  I had brought my hardtail and rig and signed up in both categories, Expert 19-29 and hardtail men open.  The first time I had ever pulled this classic hard core move that I had watched the big boys do when I was coming up, and I was really excited about getting the extra run.  As we started practicing the course was definitely wetter then the day before, but not bad.  The year before it was bone dry and loose, this year is was wet but not to slippery.  Thankfully the rain held off all day, slight sprinkles, but bits of sun at the right times to dry it out a bit just before my runs.  I had been prepared for total wetness with lots of clothes, rain gear, extra shoes, socks, and mud tires.  I see my preperation as a big advantage on the competition, I love the structure of racing, and I love the prep for racing.  having all the right equipment for incliment weather is a big advantage and I was prepared.  I was feeling pretty fast on course in practice, the bike was working flawlessly and the rubber was hooking without compromise, but i didn't know where my pace was at.  My sole ambition was to keep from falling off my 5:00 time of last year that had slotted me third overall.  The event was much bigger this year, and the presence of icons Mark Weir, Kirk Desmond, and Sven Martin had me pumped to pin it all the way.  For me racing is about practice, structure, focus, and strategy.  I think my preperation for a race run gives me a big advantage.  Breaking everything down and hitting sections super hard in practice prepares me for redlining the course top to bottom.  Still striving for the pro mentalitity that pushes it to the edge constantly, definitely getting closer.  i don't let anything shake me from my pre race routine.  I got my gear together, I snacked when I needed to, I drank when I needed to, I even shit when I needed to.  You can't let the announcement coming over the P.A. "Justin Graves please report to the start line, Justin Graves you are about to miss you start time"  shake you, if you are prepped you know how much time you have, I did, i spun up and down the road to get warm until the last comfortable minute, and then calmly stepped into line in front of many riders who bad been staged for ages getting cold and uncomfortable.  Slid into the start gate, slipped the goggles on, warmed up the arms, and snapped it.  I was feeling super juiced before my run and knew I was ready to let it rip.  Days before the thought of being in the starting gate had me pysched up, knowing i could lay down some serious speed.  In the gate just telling myself to trust my legs and trust my tires, the two most important things for me, and let all the rest come.  So as the clock struck my minute  I literally roosted out of the gate, power wheelying and shifting all the way to the first corner, slammed into the next corner and smacked the rock garden.  I came in so hot that i was way off line, hitting the big rocks, for a moment I almost gave up, two years ago I would have, but I knew my bike would keep rolling, didn't lose any speed, grabbed some throttle and wheelyed right out of the rocks and shredded down the next straight.  put so much power down around the next corner i air wheelied off the big double and almost looped, but hung on and i was gone.  just held my speed from then on.  In the bottom i was slower in the switchbacks, having to verbally remind myself to pedal, breathe, and rest.  i wasn't drifting them like I was in practice but I kept my feet up and on the pedals and gassed it out of everything.  3/4 of the way threw I knew I had a good run going, again two years ago I would have thought that, become too pleased, lost focused and wiped.  This time I stayed with it and powered across the line out of breathe for minutes.  When I would breathe I was hollering, not because I knew I had won, but because I knew I put down close the best race run I cold.  I had done everything like I planned and left everything on the course.  On race day there is one run in my body and if that run gets put down then I am happy, later I can focus on where I made or lost time and work on that, but as long as the run that is in my mind and my body get put down I am happy.  Was in a good mood waiting for the shuttle, most people were.  No more elbows to get into the trailer, everyone was at peace.  Got to the top and first person I see if Rob Rhall who says "Yeah Justin, you're my hero!".  I was thinking 'why cause i almost died in the rocks and pulled it off?'  Then he told me my time "You won you class, put down a 4:51, and you beat half the pros."  Instantly I was high, just to hear that I had knocked almost ten seconds off my run from last year, gave rob a big high five, and almost started dancing.  Nothing like the satisfaction of knowing that a good run for you was untouchable for all but five other guys on the hill.  From then on I was just cruising, flyered some cars for Team BigFoot, chatted, looked at results, got my hardtail prepped, and snacked a bit.  Was now just looking forward to a fun hardtail run with no expectations, and no pressure.  I had gone down and hit the rock garden and double that morning on my hard tail and removed all doubt in my mind that I could rock it, even threw down a little sickly style, from then on i couldn't wait to cruise the whole course on my hardtail as I had not yet practiced on it.  So hours later the hardtial class lined up, last of the day.  I was behind two single speed, drum brake, beach cruisers.  Luckily we talked them into giving me a minute ghost in between or else it would have been ugly.    Again I shredded out of the gate, took the same crazy hot line through the rocks, to the shouted glee of my friends from home, snapped out and was gone.  Almost immediately my single speed hardtail (only one in the class) was spun out so I just tucked and pumped the bike holding speed and coming out of the corners hard.  Was a super smooth and fun run, finished strong and was almost sure I had won after looking around at my competition at the top.  When awards were announced i got punked into second my .2, and wished i had had one taller gear.  But all was well, I was pleased.  Gave some Pirate gear in the raffle, got some gear in the raffle, and got to hear "Revolution Bicycle and Maxxis Rider Justin Graves" when they called my name for the first place win, thought that had a nice ring to it.  Anywho a good result, a good race, lots of room to improve but i won't bore you with that.  After this crazy lit kid named jacqu?(zaque?)  pronouned like the custoe dude, led us down a sweet secret trail to town with some cool jumps and drops.  By the end, despite being sore, I had serious permasmile.  Then kicked it with the boys at the quarr before heading home.  Good stuff.

5/2/05
Back from ashland, that's right i snuck off for a DH race, the first one back.  Basically shredded, somethings i could have done better of course, but getting called a sand bagger in the expert 19-29 class is what i have been shooting for.  More soon.

4/30/05 (12:27am)

Graves' Season In Review!
well it is that time, to be frank i have been looking forward to writing this little ditty for some time, my chance to say what i have been feeling, what i have been thinking, and what i have seen.  it is gonna be late by the time i finish, kinda is already, and i am leaving town to go race tomorrow so i should be asleep, but there is no where i would rather be then with you boys and girls.  ok i am looking into my magic mirror, and who do i see?  oh i see Mr. T, and I see Gravy, and oh there's the patriarch,  hmm who else is out there, there's T.R.P., and there's Mr. Snyder, and oh holy shit!  i had no idea there were so many of you, i am gonna stop typing in my underwears and scratching for such prolonged periods.
that was it, THE SEASON IN REVIEW (echoo echoo echoo).  Not.  just getting warmed up.  Last night the band laid down our first recorded tracks, thanks to the imac.  didn't sound half bad, we are moving along fast and shall be playing before an audience within a month.  tonight i hit up the BMX track for some mellow spinning just to sharpen up for this weekend.  unfortunately my hoopty xtr chain tensioner failed again, chain popped off while i was trying to show up robbie, sent my nuts to the top tube, then skipped to my lou to keep rolling, right off the lip of the triple (at least four feet tall) with enough momentum to get air borne and barrel roll.  i was bouncing all over the place like bay watch babes, pretty entertaining.  i was alright except for a charllie horse in my right leg.  then got drafted to race cruiser.  so i manned up, ripped off the tensioner, pulled out a half link and called it good.  my leg was about seiized but i still managed to play out carl in two rounds and robbie in one.  got me a shiny red ribbon, yeah dude!  next time i will have my skinny tires and they all better watch out cause the gravy train is comin!.  ok so if you are still with me then you have earned the goods, my season in review, those two tales were right inline because they are part of fulfilling aspirations that i laid out for myself on the highway this summer.  this is gonna be long and it is gonna be personal, so i will be flattered if anyone takes the time to read and comprehend what i have lived. thanks
Below you see my master manifesto, penciled and penned out from New Jersey all the way across the country.  Edited in about fifteen different states, or so.  Scrawled out amidst loads of jouranling, masses of poetry, two book outlines, other mad lists, other mad manifestos, and more reading then I have done is ages.  This was, and is my plan.  A lot came into perspective during my travels this summer, i learned a lot about myself and what really matters, what i wanted to accomplish and what should be left behind.  This sheet represented everything that I felt passionate about returning to or picking up.  A lot of it I had time for then, and don't now as I must work, and Pirate DH took a lot too.  But as I sit now I feel that I have taken great steps in accomplishing that which I set my mind too, and really am surprised with how well I have done.  A brief explanation, the big blue "Buy Bryce A Tight Bong", was added well after my return to town.  This subject was the furthest from my mind for over half a year.  But I returned,was very lonely after 15,000 or so solo miles, missed old friends a lot, wanted to catch up and draw close in any way possible, and slipped off a bit.  Also shattered my friend's brand new piece in a stony spasm, so I was very serious about replacing it in earnest ASAP.    Check it out and then read on, as I will work off the sheet, which is all me, any qoutes are qouting me.

One of my big decisions about my approach to riding, and life, upon my return was that I would really cut loose, push the limits, cross barriers, and discover the boundaries to my abilities and luck (if there were any).  All last winter, leading up to the race circuit, I was a very careful and calculative rider.  While Matheson and others were droppping anything in sight, I kept my feet planted firmly on the ground to keep my equipment and health intact, knowing that I had bigger battles to fight.  After my battles had been fought last summer, I knew I needed to progress, and decided the reserved approach was holding me back.  I would return, and build up the bullit for big hits, and let it all flow with no regard.  Well this soon caught up with me, though I do think it helped me take the next mental step (toward riding pinned 100%).  Up on the gross anatomy, days after getting back, met Hapgood and Rob at the top after a long hike.  We all had a puff, and decided I was gonna ride robbies bike back to the bottom, rather then sit in the truck.  I had no helmet, and despite saying that I would go easy, I was immediately out to show Brian how much I had learned and how I could shred him without gear or helmet.  So I tried to slam a corner and hop around him, and found my face making a very unplanned digger into some rocks.  Fucked me up pretty good and knocked out too teeth.  Still paying for that one, very expensive, but a good lesson.  That didn't stop me from shredding though, kept riding that day infact, and went on to dominate the next two DH races we had, finishing second in each to two pro level riders.
At this point I was working with Fritz, finding it very challenging.  I had basically no knowledge of power tools, let alone construction, had never taken a shop class of any kind, and he offered to take me in. working along side my big bro fritz was pretty intimidating, felt i had to really try hard, and i did.  learned a lot.  it was hectic but fun, we busted our butts, but we played hard too.  it was a pretty good balance, not quite the structure i needed, and i am a little anal for that type of work, but it was good.  the work was very physically demanding, we worked heavy and ate heavy, and at the point that i laid off i was the heaviest i think i have ever been, about twenty pounds heavier then i am today, and most of it was muscle.  On my sheet, knowing I would have a nice pad to return to, I sought to entertain friends, to be social, to drink and be merry.  Well I definitely did that, and it took me months to see the tough contradiction between that and my other goals.  I so wanted it to work out, but I have learned that some associates just aren't worth the time.  I was flexing my new found 21 power.  Accomplishing another goal by having a stocked bar all the time, trying hard to live up to my grandfathers's example, but forgetting he was retired when he set it.  The work drove me to drink and the drink drove me to work.  Bloiwing through my earnings faster then i knew how, could justify it cause i had saved for so long and lived fruegally for longer, was stoked on conveniences and nicities.  I was killing about a handle a week (a half gallon of liqour) for quite a while, accomplishing another goal which was to commute around at insane hours, shitfaced, on my road bike, oh yeah.  Yes I was doing it, and it was great, though what do I have to show for it?  nothing unless you looked at my liver with an xray.  long gone were the days when drinking and drugs were uber frsh with the kids and just the thrill of scoring a bottle was enough to have us hoped up all night.  now it was different.  I drank myself sore, i drank until my insides hurt.  beer for a couple weeks, that got way expensive cause i would blow through so many, liqour could be stretched.  had to back off, except i knew my buddy taylor kelley was returning to town for xmas and i had to keep my tolerance up because we had plans  in the meantime fritz and i had scored dirt bikes,the first purchase i have ever made on straight up credit, still paying for that one too.  That was a check off my list that i had not counted on and boy was it worth it.  Within a month i was really getting quick and it opened my eyes on the mountain bike, and i mean opened.  I was riding, a lot, but not training, this was a new way for me, a looser way, one that taught me new skills, but landed me in the deepest hole i have ever been in.  what is it in our culture these days that glorifies junkies and burnouts?  whatever it is has claimed my admiration as well, the complete disregard for all that the masses hold holy, putting one's art above their own life now that is something to dig.  not to mention that they go when they are still young, ripe, and popular.  Frozen forever in youth and brilliance.  Anyway this is where my head was at as I would down my sixth, seventh, most often eighth, nineth or plus shot of the evening.  Digging on Cobain, most often alone and flying into a fury for no good reason, hurting myself and things around me.  Blaming the fact that I didnt' have a drinking buddy, not that I was drinking.  Throughout this time I was managing PirateDH quite well, got a ripping site going, with Fritz's help got T shirts rolling, and started throwing rides.  I was in fact quite productive, not just productive enough.  Also started chasing this girl, let's call her D.  We spent lots days together before and after the holidays, was findiing myself going to slee[ and waking up in her presence.  She was cool, but most of all she was a challenge, she was the girl I wanted to have and so I made it happen.  Unfortunately she is a very depressed person who makes bad things happen to her.  Unfortunately after spending a week in Hoopa at the end of Christmas break building trail my mom told me she was unhappy with Tom (my step dad) and so I was losing my pad>  Unfortunately I moved in with D.  Up to this point we all had a blast.  For the last four years of my life the winter and the holiday season have been insane.  I had the sweet apartment in McKinleyville, I had the pretty girl to go see, I had Dirt Jumps in my back yard, I had a motorcycle, i had my teeth fixed, and we had fun.  Taylor was back and we rode together a bit, that bit took me to the next level of moto faster then following anyone else, cause i trust hm more then anyone else.  he could pull me into situations that i would have never touched otherwise, and i just mimicked him and it was ll fine.  yes we rode a bit and we drank a fucking.  we blew a fair amount of things too.  we got ripped up and pulled late night digging sessions.  we got ripped up and went out on the town just to fuck with folks.  we got ripped up and passed out in my house, i threw up in my house, the first time in a year.  it was bad, we were bad.  Yet i managed to stay on track, that is keep pirate dh rolling, and keep working.  My goal for years has been to get a camera and bring some of my scripts into reality.  I came home this year and polished out one i have been working on for over three years.  It was ready, and thanks to frtiz i had the money to get a sweet camera.  i had enlarged the moto loan and had one all picked out.  actually placed an order for it twice but it was out of stock.  and then the money started to flow.  I was on vacation from work for over two weeks, and I was living it up for the holidays.  The spending bug bit me and its name was D.  I bought her dinners, drinks, gifts.  I lived well, loaned money and did not ask for it bac, only to get burned by friends again and again.  by the time i went back to work the fifteen hundred that was to buy my canon GL2 had completely dissappeard and I was broke. 
So I started busting my butt at work.  I had become so disgusted with my lifestyle and the way I had bent  I shaved my head and vowed to change things.  I changed my relationship, i was essentially out, disgusted that i had dropped so much attention and caring on her only to have her continue to drown me in her sorrows.  I was sick of my organs aching if i smelled booze.  I was sick of being bleered every night.  I was sick of my mom milking Tom.  I was just sick.  Riding was all that was left and I focused on that.  Sea Otter was four months out and that meant it was time to get back into shape.   My goal with the Pirate series this year was to not ride, to let everyone stew who wanted my head on their wall.  I planned to train and practice, without worrying about peaking for events, but not to compete and just run a bitching series.  Well without competition to guide me, without the pressure of getting on the clock, I was lost.  I got trashed at each race, rode little, and coasted on my reputation.  But my head was clean, my mind was pure, and soon my body would be too.  I set out to race again, setting my sights on teh SWD DH race on January 29th.  And so, two weeks into my clean course, with the most focus I had had for months, disaster struck.  I went for a ride with Jed Olson and Dan O'Kane who was visiting from Australia.  We sessioned the loast cause and then shredded teh couch.  I was setting the pace, feeling incredible.  As I said teh motoing had opened my eyes, and I was feeling for confident and controlled on the bike then ever.  Got into many dangerous situations that day, slidig 180's, dangling half way off the bike, but i was so in the zone and having so much fun none of it phased me and i rode out of it all.  Then my free spirit approach and competitive instinct caught up with me.  Knowing Olso to be a talented free rider I decided I would prove myself by cleaning a quarry drop I had hit countless times before.  So I think you know the story here.  With each day, as the pain lingers, the memory becomes more and more sour.  For what, fuck.  Worthless, the crash should have broken my bike, but how did the quarry claim me.  I still can't believe that bit of flat ground was my demize.  and so i was done, off the bike again, and falling off again.  but this time the season was only months away so i managed to keep on track, get a new job and get on my feet somewhat.  sometimes the lord works in mysterious ways, though i wish he would hurry up and be done working on my back.  the injury facilitated moving out of D's house, though it was shady I got out and am thankful for that each day.  Now, though I jones for feminine companionship daily, i am making a point to stay far away from women.  I see them as a wedge between a man and his accmplishments.  No woman is a worthy accomplishment, I have come to understand that I can have almost any woman at any time if I am willing to make the sacrifices and play the game.  it is simply not worth it, and it destroys the creativity and individuality of any man who falls into the trap of temptation.  I  hold her responsible for the loss of my camera money, and until that debt to the bank is paid off I will remain very bitter or the empty case, useless lenses, and pointless tripod in my garage.  thankfully when i went down one cool gal made my dream come true, took a piece of my list that was escaping and brought it into focus.  a drum set came into my life, and with it a head space that i had been missing for seven years.  now i play several times a week, sit in a band, and love it.  my chill time is productive, creative, and i see others enjoy it on a daily basis.  Now that i am stronger and able to move the other points of my list are really comig around.  I am ALL RIDE.  The BMX track is open, I own a license and I ride there at least twice a week.  I have gone on my first elitest road bike rides and am hammering with the best of them.  I am XC'ing and obviously DH'ing, crossing all boundaries without giving a fuck about any clicks and coming toward the next step of uniting the clans.  I have been digging all the while.  Be it night sessions at home, midnight runs with Jeremy Rollins in the community forest, jed and my current work in eureka, diggind on lost, or prepping any of the numerous DH race courses I have succeeded in sculpting the earth as I had hoped.  I am as lean and fit as I have been in years.  Proud to say I am coming off injury at a trim 155, and feeling great.  looking forward to more serious training as the back heals, but i am already well on my way.  I've got the single speed, got the DH bike I dreamed of as I left Colorado, got my little bro set up and stoked out, got Pirate DH booming, Living Music, Staying grounded and accessible, riding everything everyday (even skate park), still digging lots, and feeling very on track.  When I went down that cliff I found myself in a hole unlike any I had been in before.  facing a very real debt, very real unemployment, and very real living at home.  Let me tell you it sucked.  But I have enough that is going great to keep everything going good.  Dropping over three hundred a month on teeth and moto, but that won't be forever now that I have my luxury spending under control a little better.  Halfway into school for the fall, and looking forward to studying again and working toward a field with understanding and resolve.  And preparing to move out into what should be my house for the next year or two.  Very exciting, very real, very hard, and must be very patient.  That kinda sums up my season right there, that's what I have learned.  Nothing that will cahnge your life, of make me millions doing infomercials, but it works for me.  It was a hard road but I like where I am now, and to be honest (i know it is cliche) i wouldn't change it.

4/26/05 (11:43 pm)

i always start out thinking i can make these really short and sweet, but i just don't have it in me.  first off woke up feeling terrible, probably had something to do with all the caffeine and late nights.  my diet of energy drinks, mangos, saltines, and peanut butter is falling a bit short me thinks.  woke up just in time to go fill in for victor, as he had some two hour appointment that could not be missed.  basically wasn't too motivated and wasn't to awake, luckily we weren't too busy so i just read a kirt voreis interview and adjusted a crucially floppy bottom bracket he had overlooked.  (aside:  was about to fall asleep, then i started typing this and i am really stimulated.  guess i like typing about myself, not talking, typing.  when you talk people rarely RARELY have the time to actually hear what you are saying, but people don't sit down to read without the time to do it, guess that is why this log works out for me.)  he got back about when he said he would and kindly offered to let me stay and put fenders on a customers bike he had agreed to take in, while he folded flyers, it took me a minute but i said what i ment and i ment no.  i went to get my haircut, what i wanted to do.  hadn't cut it sice i shaved the head in december, not long before all the hurting.  barber said my hair grows more uniformly then most peoples, the average head of hair lays around and gets thin in spots and slow in spots, while mine is more consistent and straight out everywhere.  then spread some photo contest flyers, blah blah blahd with folks at adventures and revo, then headed home and prepared for the tuesday night road ride.  felt like poo and almost didn't go, but decided it would be for the best to at least go out half way.  well rode in to west end arcata from home, met up with the gang, and it was clear that the plans to boycot berto (local hammerhead) were a go.  flashed back on days coming up and bringing others up of dh trails.  how annoying it can be for beginners when the fast guys just shred off and forget about you, and also how hard it is to deal with slow polks when you are trying to step up your training and speed on a course.  but i also remember what a fantastic feeling it is when someone who you look up to, someone more experienced, with more skills, waits and rides with you to help you progress, to help you learn, and to bring a community together.  i was lucky to be around guys like that, dudes who have the clout and don't abuse it.  non did it better then sean t, still a role model for the way he always balanced his training, practice, and mentoring.  was always the fastest guy and leading the pack, but i can't tell  you how many times he slowed down to ride with me, address a mechanical issue, give advice, or a motivating pat on the back when i needed it (not to mention carrying a broken boy home more then once).  i got the priviledge of witnessing that again today.  the one they call fuzzy rolled up and asserted some friendly leadership and direction.  the ride was completely different this week, a tight group from beginning to end.  at times strung out, but we always regrouped and came back together.  i was feeling shitty half way into west end and fell off the back a bit, fuzzy was the only one left with me, he came up, and gave me a gentle push.  just enough to ease the burn and ease my mind, to let me know that we were all on the same team and that no one wanted to see me give up.  we soon caught back up, and after a little soft pedaling through blue lake i was feeling good.  by the end of the ride i was out in front and managed to stay there all the way up the back side of murray road, had a huge gap but could not hold off the paceline that must have been doing 45+ down the hill to catch my 41, unbelievable what the group can do.  was my first true pace line experience and was amazed at how it felt to be in the zone, pulling along at 25, inches off three other riders, clear mind and tuned body, a team of cyclists working toward a single goal, moving forward.  after that i was all juiced up and got tons of house work done, now i am up typing this after when i wanted to be in bed, but feeling great about having conveyed such a positive experience.  here are some dorky pictures of my first sponsorship package, it ain't much but to me it symbolizes several years of growth and development, a season of hard work and focus, and hours of working on resumes and letters.  that too feels good, just one stepping stone after another.

now 1:12am 4/27/05... goodnight

4/26/05 (@1:22am)

worked shop all day, then accomplished a fair amount.  got off and went straight to a short, but productive, forty five minute bad practice, getting very tight with four of our own songs now.  then jetted to mac town, scooped up my hard tail and jed and had a rad skate park session.  i am not doing anything incredible but expanding my lines every day and learning new skills i never touched before, very good work out, plus riding with jed is fun educational, and there's no bull shit.  then went and shop ratted it for a couple hours as i meticulously checked over my bullit and cleaned it up for the next go round.  all is good, i love that bike, nuff said.  was gonna have more jam practice tonight but our guitarist dissappeared, so i finished poilishig up the bullit, sessioned the wild berries parking lot for a few, then headed home.  scanned in some more photo contest entries, opened mail and did this.  ohh and i received my first phat package from Maxxis today, very exciting, and it got here just in time.  Now i am tired and i am gonna sign out, hope to dream about the myriad pretty girls that were out in the sunshine of town today, all threatening to come between me and my bike, that's why i pack a telescoping ten foot pole this season.

4/25/05 (@ 12:52 am)

Watch out cause here it comes, the straight, biased, uncensored, egotistical report on Pirate DH Final 2005.  If you linked here from teh foot note, sit tight I am going to get to it.  And if you hate sensing bitterness, haughtyness, pleasedness, stokedness, or don't like to hear the truth then discontinue your scanning of this entry NOW.
The Trail:  Bitching.  Totally my style, all day people were pleasantly surprised with the new sections.  Though as the day wore on and things became wetter and nastier my opinion split from that of the pack.  Folks seems to think it was torturous, while i was loving it.  Felt super comfortable, and could have done some bad things, really bad things.  Approaching an event wisely, having the right rubber, the right clothes, and the right gear goes a long way.
The Results:  Perfect, made sense, will motivate everyone.  With a tight little scene like ours dudes settle into a pecking order and it can get a bit clicky at the races, at least if you know the Big Names to watch.  But this day a virtual unknown slipped under the radar, while the known favorites smoozed between themselves, and laid the spank on everybody, awesome!  Everyone was pushed by the conditions and the solid field, good.
The Runner Up:  Couldn't help but notice a twinge in Jared when i announced him second, after he had gotten used to the idea of winning for a couple hours.  think this will motivate to get fit and open the mind to the possibility that someone else has faster lines.
The RunnerRunnerUp:  John Bonham definitely wears a target in humboldt, i think people look for the chance to try to break him, steal his special sauce too.  i think this keeps him away a bit, without an impartial crew of his own.  He was definitely the threat to win this day, and probably could have lived with second had he still held the fastest time, but alas he slid into the murky anonimity of third place, think he will make a point to get on his DH bike less then for months before the next race.
Lennon!:  Caught em with their pants down.
The Weather:  Seems god was out to make this a true winter series this year, rain just during the race, not before, not after.  Hmmm.  well at least it is done now.
The Me:  I too slipped under the radar today.  spoting an old helmet, new bike, and my flashy BOSS pants a few people didn't even recognize me as i hurried up and down the hill shredding up the course with the race favorites.  This was great, it was fantastic to just be a rider, then it wasn't fantastic when we fell way behind schedule, the rain started dumping, i was scrabmling to get heats drawn up, sacrificed my first run for the group, watched the results fall into the most tangled mess yet this year, then watch my chance at a official run melt as clock miscommunication sent me hurtling down the hill with a backup watch, sacrificing my second chance at a run for the group to get theirs.  I was peeved that my high standards of event fluidity could not be met if i was not an anal attentive parent, peeved that my riding set things way off, stoked that nobody jumped on my shit for shredding like i was, stoked that i was able to keep up with and drop everyone at one point or another, and stoked that i felt good on the bike and received compliments on my form from everyone who saw me ride that i was indeed shredding (the words amazing and flying were used several times).  I was doing ok until i crossed the line, skidded to a stop, jumped off my bike, yanked up my sleeve, and saw 6:12 on my wrist watch - as the final run wrapped up that unofficial run was second fastest.  was very glad to have a gauge of my pace and form, but peeved that i hadn't gotten a shot to compete for the days title.  Cruising to that time in the most blown out conditions of the day, quite comfortably i might say, got me puffed up a bit - though i couldn't strut it to anybody really cause who would want to believe that a broken back kid shredded like that on a six inch bike after not downhilling for three months.  Was finding more and more speed as the day went on too, my last run was to fetch a tie down strap for Rob Rhall, after everyone else had already gotten cleaned up (i was still muddy of course cause i was picking up everything from tape, to barriers, to bikes, to peeps beer bottles and trash), anyway last run legs still felt great (the fitness is close to where it needs to be the legs worked well) and i was doing new things, new lines faster then ever, going "holy shit i am hauling and it feels great!"  of course right then my brake lever grabbed a branch, sent me down and snapped the already much weakened lever, so then i was sketching all the way down with just a front brake, aside from that good.  at least now i know where i stand, what i need to focus on, and  have an idea of what i will be capable of this year.
The Promotion:  The event was killer, everybody was stoked and i got many thanks, warms my heart, it really does.  But boy am i done for awhile.  people were coming up with all kinds of suggestions and requests for more events and the like, but i am a racer who started this series because he needed the training and a chance to step it up during the off season, and no one else would put on as many events or run them with such professional flare.  so i will figure out how to make it work and ride next winter, maybe.  until then if you are talking to me you are talking to justin the racer.
Afterthought:  Just by the way all you concerned parties, i am wearing my brace right now, not cause i hurt myself today or because i am sore.  but as good as i felt today i need to do everything i can to heal up strong and fast, train hard and rest harder.  so i am gonna keep up the strengthening and training but seems wise to give the back some recovery time in between, don't need to dodge the brace to prove anything anymore.  yesterday i proved to myself that i am capable, so now i gotta get there.  one day without anyone calling me out helps, then you can make a decision without feeling like you were coersed into it, even if coersion is in the right direction.

4/23/05
ok, listen up all you vicarious, tall tale, meddlers.  get the story straight before you come hounding me.  i don't understand peoples need to divulge personal information that a friend gave in conversation, let alone the need to fictitiously expound upon half heard facts.  i have spoken words about my last doc appointment to maybe three people, and those were very few and very non discrept, plus a brief graves log entry.  Now I have people skipping hellos and jumping right onto the "i am going to set you straight"  mode, not cool.  coming up with all kinds of funky spins like "so the doctor chewed you out"  or "another five months before you are supposed to ride", striaght bull shit!  first of all if i tell you something i don't expect it to be gossip news for the next couple weeks, second get your facts straight, and third if you want to talk to me about my health and my decisions pick a good time, approach me in a friendly manner and let's talk.  but be prepared to listen rather then just preach your parental concerns, though they may be well meaning.  that's it, you can't understand how much i wanna ride right now, how much pleasuer i get when i do ride, and how fed up i am with discussions of my back.  now i am gonna go sess the streets of mac till dark, pack for a race and go shred.

4/22/05

yesterday was good.  first dh runs in months.  not to sounds cockish but i pulled lines that no one has pulled, i know it.  still not sure my overall run speed is up to par, but i didn't feel too far off yesterday.  think i could definitely cruise to a decent finish.  thenme and mr. jed hit the jump trail, first doubles on months, felt good.  good style, good flow, all the slow work toward this point is paying off.  the mellow runs on the lost, the xc rides, the road raging, the weights, the bmx sprinting, good.  looking forward to this weekend, see how slippery it gets, maybe we can surprise some.

4/19/05

so went to the doc yesterday, saw him turn quite serious, sternest i have seen him.  aside from telling me he had gone riding with a friend of mine who explained what a talented rider i was, and saying he wanted to see me racing again, i was told that i still have a very broken back, and after seeing the ct scan films i could not argue.  he was hard to read but that is only because i am a stubborn and driven individual, and when i get chained down i tend t gnaw through a limb.  put me into a bad mood instantly.  plans to ride after work were tainted a bit, got up on top of the back yard half pipe and froze after olson asked about my back and brought it to the fore front.  could not bring myself to drop in, climbed down like a total puss.  sucked it up though and pulled an alright session in the skate park.  don'w know now.  two months for another ct scan, my torture draws long.  racing soon seems stupid but ica n't stand the idea of handing over last years vistories to some other numb nut who is obviously slower then i.  had a great drumm session last night though, at least there is that, was dropping jaws and elliciting praise from my band mates, nobody knew where the funk was coming from but i was letting it flow.  had a good practice, another month like this and we might be ready to perform.  now i am giong to put new tires on my DH bike and think about what is next.

4/16/05

Rainy day, yeah.  The yeah being that i have gotten lots of riding in the last two days so i am content with sitting on my tush for a day of recovery, frankly i am beat.  The alarm played for two hours this morning and i couldn't drag myself up until. the absolute last minute.  last night after we closed down mckinleyville, marvin the martian and i biked to trinidad.  marvin was like "what are you doing after work"  and i was like "dunno"  and he said "i'm gonna bike, think i'm just gonna ride to trinidad" and i was like "that sounds crazy enough to be fun"  and he was all "well all my friends say i'm crazy."  and so it came about we cruised out to trinidad, tehn to college cove, then out on the trails to the bluff and cyclocrossed the road bikes along the beach trails back to trinidad state beach jumping roots and roosting the whole way out (roosting:  the maneuver in which a spray of dirt is kicked of by the rear tire of a bicycle that resembles teh ornamental plume of a yard cock, or rooster).  was the most awesome and abnormal road ride i have ever been on, almost broke my bianchi trying to hip it off a rock, but for the most part we just hammered in our baggies with no reggard for how we look or how we were 'supposed' to be riding our bikes.  started this entry this morning and i finish it tonight after a surprisingly enjoyable dinner with my father, aunt and little brother.  oohh and i got to talk to my big bro for a bit today that was awesome as well.  on his way out in august and that is gonna be epic.  now i am thinking of turning in early, wondering why i am riding so much and not digging so much, stressing my web design task for solo sports cluster fuck website situation, and comtemplating one of the most selfish decisions i have in a very long time.  i hope every thing works out without making anybody angry.

4/13/05
oh yeah, can you feel it, bending over backward for piratedh,  mmmmm.   i guess i wouldn't have it any other way, or else i would, you know?  it's just sometimes i can't control myself, can't stop, anality, perfection, pushing further, better, seeking satisfaction and only getting thirstier.  would love to have help, but would i trust them?  probably not.  five hours in the shirt shop, hopefully the last i will spend in some time.  couldn't walk away from sending a fat order to the sea otter, so hopefully it generates some revenue for future races.  hope i can trust my sales people not to skim too much cause i can't afford that.  aside from that i am about to say what is on my mind, i know it might not be the best idea, but this is my 'blog' and i will be held accountable for anything here because it is the straight truth.  no mal intent, just my thoughts.  seldom acted on, seldom of any real life pertinence, but here it goes anyway. 
so my head is on riding, more specifically racing.  if you all don't know by now, when my head is straight i am a very focused and serious competitor.  its been deep in me for as long as i can recall, i love it, i hate it, but it is me and so i pursue it will all my energy.  at my age i am looking a a few short years to step up my game and find a place in the professional ranks, for what it is worth.  i love riding, i love progressing and improving, but for me i can't measure that legitimately without organized competition, doin it between the lines.  playground ball was never my style, i preferred the finished hardwood.  so without being able to compete i just can't dig deep can't believe in it, and then what am i left doing?  so confused, so lost, i end up sitting and basically shitting all over myself.  not to mention that to build the resume i need to upgrade i have got to compete in legitimate events, pro sponsors don't recognize pirate dh yet.  at the 2000 bigfoot i blew away the xc field and earned a revolution jersey from justin brown.  that turning point gave me all kinds of focus and direction, i had a sponsor to serve, to represent, to bring results home to and all was good.  i remember a time when i could best serve my sponsor by racing.  i knew that when i signed onto the revolution payroll that conflicts would be inevitable, cause sadly me shredding any course doesn't affect the register as directly as being in the shop getting sluggish and slow.  so now i am trying to figure out how to make my employers see this.  i know this isn't my year to swing the whole series and finally find a ride, i am down for a shortened schedule, but sacrificing it all would be a step back, one i really don't want to take.  one that would land me on an occasional weekend ride, hammering till i pant but feeling good about it.  i want to be effortlessly smooth, i want to crush others while yawning, i want to be a practiced and efficient pro level rider.  perhaps it is a dream but i don't see any reason to wake up for at least five years.  i will undoubtedly have to hold down a job the whole time, but just want riding to be my job at least a couple months out of the year.  so this is what's tearing me up lately, balancing dreams with home town reality.  feeling stronger and more confident by the day, not wanting to lose another minute of valuable progression time.  so tomorrow if the rain holds off gonna shred the bullit for the first time up at the lost, set up tweaking, bomb down through jacoby to town, and then ride the bianchi up to my truck.  sounds like the perfect work out after a day off.  oh and heard back from maxxis, confirmed my order and squelched my fears, but they get to it 'in the order in which it was received', so i will be patient and be happy that i set up my base set via the shop - who i must say has been an envaluable part of my cycling progression, great deals, great gear, terms on bikes that i could never have afforded otherwise, couldn't have done didly witout revo, so don't think i am bad mouthing.

4/12/05
I am roady.  see me rage the road.  see me blaze and soar.  a celeste blue blur, with vented helmet.  see me tuck, see me duck, see me draft and suck.

that's right i hit it hard tonight, felt amazing, and had a blast.  able to go strong long while singing songs, little wrong.  caught a crew of schmobbers in fieldbrook, my first big group road assault.  my fear was wiped away by familiar welcoming faces as i jumped on wes' wheel.  yes.  and managed to hold my own somewhat.  next time it will be better, soon i will shatter some.
i feel great, my experiences this year have helped me move way beyond clicks, way beyond titles, way beyond barriers.  my hunger to roll on two wheels as much as possible overcomes all.  i laugh at those who snobe, at those who make fun of, at those who single out or draw lines in the sand.  because i am on all sides, and now there is no time for talk or argument, i will simply laugh and keep on riding.  i am a cyclist, that doesn't mean road, that doesn't mean gravity, that doesn't mean throttle, or even gate starts.  it means two wheels, and as long as i can roll on two wheels and jam i will have purpose.  purpose is a good thing, now the challenge will be getting to events to exhibit my devotion.  all with time.

4/10/05

wheee.  my dad tells me that if at least fifty percent of your reason for riding isn't due to the whee factor then your in trouble, how true it is.  i dedicate this one to my parental pal, the only one who cares that i am typing on the clock right now, the one who coined the phrase 'i pity the fool', and sports bling like fifty cent only wishes he could.  yeah the one who sparked the nasty notion in my head of riding up fickle hill this morning before work.  the father who bravely embraced insomnia last night to comfort his family.  bravo.  well i did it anyway, solo.  showed up at the shop at nine and saw the dh crew heading to hoopa, after sharing a few words and cursing them openly i rolled out and up.  i can count the times on two hands that i have crested fickle and met with kneeland.  something about the climb is so incredibly taxing that i can only bring myself to do it sporatically.  something about the first relentless wall as you slide by the community forest, the prospect of an hour of climbing, the never ending ascent broken by some short flats and many ass kicking lifts.  amazingly i found a rythm, a calm and mellow rythm, surprised i had legs after yesterday's two hour cross country excursion.   i made it as far as i had hoped and farther, crawling on, forced to maintain motion or else topple to the pavement panting.  the morning was glorious, and as the magnificent coastline and bay of my home came into view i could not help but let loose my shrill excitement and listen to it echo throughout the expanse of my senses.  from atop my well deserved sentinel i located my pal's house, second water tower to the left and straight on till morning.  i let loose as cacaphonous salute and put the hammer down, reenergized by the peace of the morning.  i planned on climbing forty minutes, just enough time to requite an asention of kiss ass corner.  perhaps kick ass to some, as truly steep and sharp as the brief section is it becomes quite easy to examine ones hind quarters.  thirty five minutes and i stopped, threw on the wind breaker, sipped some cool agua, and took off.  the thirty five minute saga turned into a just over ten minute blink.  struggling to spot landmarks so i knew when to touch the brakes.  i saluted a fellow masachist a short distance down the road, who i had passed just before not a county road, and it was on.  my creeping average of 9.5 mph up was boosted as i rarely fell below 25, then never below 30.  incredible, what more can i say.  as i reached town i felt like a prize fighter, felt like i could dance with muhamed ali, felt good.  a just five minutes late to open, fantastic.  seemed i had lived hours, days, months without time passing.  grew younger with each cool drip of persperation that dropped from my brow, felt the countless sins of days wasted fall away.  now why don't i do this more often?

4/9/05
The beauty of the bike.. was gonna come home from work and whine about the woes or working for 'the man' all day.  Instead i built a mini hip in my front yard, sessioned that, then went for a sweet cross country ride (the first official mtb'ing since the injury!)  It was awesome, and unfortunately I was left with no angst, only happy happys.  A little wet but not too bad, just so fun, though my air sacs were feeling last night's smokey atmosphere.  I think i got lucky this time around, being that my injury did not occur at speed.  therefore i don't think i will have too much trouble finding my pace again, felt at ease tonight.  can't keep greg minaar in sight yet, but give me a month.  what else can i say, oh i saw a skunk two feet away, tail up, guarding pups, cool!  justfelt great to flow.  sadly someone has fallen many more trees since the last time i hit the mac town trails.  what's worse then bald clear cuts?  clear cuts where no timber is harvested, healthy trees are simply fallen to block lovely trails that focus unavoidable traffic to ancient well worn in highways.  now there are young beautiful trees and old magnificent trees all over the fucking place, and new nasty lines eroding all around!  makes no sense!  anyway i was doing great until i tried to put together an order with maxxis.  they offered me support this season, and i am stoked, want to be exclusive as thanks, but they make it so hard and uncertain to get tires.  frustrating.  so the plan is next year get to a level where they just send me the stuff.  that sounds good.  ok need to wrap this up and get some sleep cause me and sean t are riding up fickle hill tomorrow morning before i open the shop at ten.  holy shit, that man is crazy!

4/8/05

wow, what a strnage day.  more fresh in my mind, this evening.  returned the ol pirate keg, sessioned my drum set for about three hours and then went to my good friend stephanies birthday party.  funny how relationships change, we hardly hang anymore, infact i am developing a reputation for flaking on that crowd, just the punks i got in trouble with in high school.  some cool kids there tonight, wished a very happy birthyday to the co-hostess, hannah, hope she remembers me later.  then about quarter after ten decided i would slide.  gave the only woman i can picture as a mother home, she wanted to slide early too, on account of a workout in the morning.  interesting how we both used to be such the party tramps, and now we are both a bit more focused on our respective callings.  so we got into my  truck, which i hurredly spruced up, and headed for her place.  i began to get details from her about her last performance, a good thing.  i stepped out of the party a bit looser then i stepped in, and was honked at as i drove several blocks the wrong way down a one way.  luckily no cars came, and she was so engrossed in her account that she didn't notice.  cool as ice, still listening and responding to her story, i made a right hand turn and found my way onto the correct one way street.  incredible.  now she is in my head again.  i'll never be free, still i'll never regret.

4/7/05

i hope that the last round of updates were pleasing, because that was the straw which broke this camels back.  two cups of coffee at ten and working till four sent me to a place which is far from welcome.  i woke yesterday at ten feeling like crap.  as i sat around and breakfasted i knew that my training plans for the day would not happen.  evil it was, the rain holding off for one day, giving me sunshine during my sickly seclusion.  so many things to do and none were done.  no new springs in the fox fork, no new shock on the bullit, no jetting on the yz, no oil change on the truck, no road ride, no jump building, no nothing, rendered useless.  so useless all i could do was watch a road biking documentary, during which i passed out.  out at one pm and essentially slept till now, six on thursday.  all the race panning stress finally caught up with me, down.  i awkoe this morning so far from everything i have known, so far from everything to come.  an empty shell filled with past regret and misstep, a torturous state in which i feel no good at all.  the short amount of time that i will lose on cushions seems much to long to pursue any of my goals ever again.  i know somewhere inside that this is not the case, but will have to wait until the sun shines again.  fuck this state.

"Some narcotics are routinely prescribed for severe pain. However, they have to be used with caution. If you take them steadily for several weeks, or take larger doses than prescribed, you can easily become addicted. Narcotic addicts constantly crave the drug and become physically ill if they stop taking it...  The initial ""high'' from the drug is followed by drowsiness and a slowdown in your breathing and heartbeat. Your skin may become red, warm, or itchy. The longer you keep taking the drug, the more you will need it. When you stop using it (go through withdrawal), you will go through a short period of physical illness. The first signs of withdrawal are fast breathing, sweating, yawning, and runny nose. You may also shake and develop goose bumps on your skin, mood changes, and enlarged pupils. After 2 to 3 days, you may suffer insomnia, upset stomach, vomiting, diarrhea, stomach cramps, muscle pain, and a fast heart rate."  Tissues all up in my room...